ARCHIVES OF THE BITCH.

Well Darlings,

It all starts off this week with a tale of two Scots. Strangely they might soon both be sharing the same nickname: The Terminator. Missed dearly since he left Noel Edmond's "Deal or No Deal" programme this week, after his turn came and he sensibly dealt for £23,500 (I believe), is Alasdair (surname unknown to me) who earned the nickname for destroying many a person's game by exposing a big one - if you'll pardon the expression! Pictured on the right, he has been a breath of fresh air I've enjoyed catching glimpses of in the afternoons over the past few weeks. Sweeties, he could expose anything to me - to my mind that definitely warrants a breakfast! Shut-up! I can have my dreams! I guess this is where all those who get the syndicated-without-the-pictures version of this column now rush to click the link that should appear below for the genuine article to see if we agree on cute. Go for it! You won't be disappointed!

Our second Scot, and would be terminator, is the SNP MP Angus MacNeil. Named the best Scot at Westminster in the Scottish Politician of the Year awards, and also earning the accolade of inquisitor of the year by the Spectator magazine, it was he who was responsible for resurrecting the 1925 anti-corruption Act which has led to the Metropolitan Police investigating the present cash-for-honours allegations. To be fair to Angus he too is pictured here (on the left), however possibly being not so fair, he would need to find his own morning cuppa - I wouldn't be there!

Screaming at us from the news and political programmes on radio and television, and from most of the the newspapers, is the news that Tony Blair is likely to be interviewed under caution about the cash for peerages matter, for it is he and only he as Prime Minister who is responsible for producing the names of those to be elevated. Today Scotland Yard has revealed there have been "major developments" in the investigation; major developments which John Yates, the assistant commissioner in charge of the inquiry, is reported as saying are "not in the public domain", despite all the recent apparent leakages.

Our Mr MacNeil has recently told BBC Radio Scotland in an interview that he believes the Prime Minister will be questioned before St Andrew's Day, which falls on November 30th. Saint Andrew, if you didn't already know, is the Patron Saint of Scotland. That's a little ironic, isn't it? We're told the police hope to be able to forward a file to the Crown Prosecution Service in January 2007. And that's where if this whole case is going to be dropped and swept under the carpet, it will be.

Despite all the rejoicing on the forums, I really would be surprised to see a serving prime minister of this country being tried in a court of law and possibly (depending, of course, on the actual charges) facing, if convicted, incarceration. Cash-for-honours, if proven, would be a terrible thing; a loathsome corruption - but it pars into insignificance alongside the Iraqi war and a few other things, and already Tony seems to have got away with them, although perhaps not quite scot free!
(Scot free: fits well but has nothing to do with Scotland - see http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-sco1.htm)

Several people have written in to the Scotsman with their comments. Two I particularly found amusing were: "If Blair does end up in the slammer I'm sure it will be an education, education and an education for him," and: "A pretty boy like Tony is going to have a tough time in the slammer." It's nice to be loved, isn't it?
You can enjoy the Scotsman and read more from here: http://news.scotsman.com/politics.cfm?id=1702142006

You might by now be wondering: why would I be surprised to see Tony Blair charged following this inquiry? Well, despite sometimes loving surprises, I've never yet seen one where the man in question was ever nailed for doing anything wrong. We may see it as wrong - fully know in our minds it is totally wrong - but he has always excused his actions by "taking full responsibility" (whatever that means, because nothing further ever becomes of it!) and by saying he did what he believed to be right; what he really thought was in the country's best interest. And where you and I could never expect to be excused any misdemeanour by employing those words, they seem to work well for a person in charge of the country.

Should Tony say, and no doubt truly believe, that it was right to reward those people who put their hands in their pockets to support his New Labour's almighty crusade to save the country and the world, and he did it all off his own back because of his fervent belief that such noble people should be rewarded for all their care and concern, and it happened without any underhand "deals" being done - or proven - then what grounds are there for a prosecution? Somehow I can't see any person with one of these dubious peerages putting their hand up in a court of law and saying: "Okay, Guv - it's a fair cop, I bought me peerage!", can you?

I think we shall be hearing of "misguidance", "technicalities", and "ill-advised" in the new year, perhaps coupled with "a lack of evidence". What's new?

Moving on, did you see a man has been jailed following a "web rage" attack? Paul Gibbons traced the whereabouts of John Jones after they exchanged insults in a chatroom. Armed with a pickaxe handle, and accompanied by a man with a machete, he knocked on John's front door. Mr Jones answered the door with a knife in his hand, but in the affray that followed he was disarmed and had his neck cut. Paul Gibbons was jailed for two-and-a half years for unlawful wounding.

Jonathan Green, the defence lawyer, said Mr Jones gave the impression that he was the innocent victim in the confrontation, but his web blog didn't back that up. He warned against the misconception that anything said in chatrooms was anonymous, and said that such a belief led to things being written which people would not normally dream of writing.

That's certainly something for all those middle-aged heterosexual men getting off tonight by pretending to be a lesbian in a lesbian chatroom to consider as they make their advances on another member - one who could just as easily be like themselves: fat, fifty, and far from being female!

Finally, before I go, I've just received news that the Blackpool Pride 2007 Fundraising CDs are being released tonight, firstly at the Mardi Gras nightclub in Blackpool. Soon to be available everywhere, the details will appear on the Blackpool Pride website later tomorrow: http://www.prideblackpool.com . I've already heard a couple of the tracks, liked them, and will be off to get my copy over the weekend. I guess the emergence of the CDs means the calendars will be appearing shortly too.

Oh dear! I remember the calendar for this year. It was good, but there was one month when the dog wouldn't walk past it without turning to bark at the picture. Once the month had ended, I tore off the page and gave it to him. I can't tell you on here what he did with it. Hmm . . .

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 17/11/06.

Well Darlings,

As I write this, across the pond they've recently celebrated their Thanksgiving Day. Traditionally, Thanksgiving is celebrated on the fourth Thursday of November in the United States, whilst in Canada it's on the second Monday in October. Unlike in both those places, here in the UK we do not lionise this once pagan festival by having a national holiday. Our Harvest Festival is now held on or near the Sunday of the Harvest Moon - that's the Full Moon occurring closest to the autumn equinox, and which for two years out of three happens in September - but it was once, in medieval times, traditionally held on September 24th. Still popular on the other side of the Atlantic, for many of us here today it passes almost unnoticed. Is this another casualty of our heritage - another piece of disappearing Britain?

I know the churches still try to do something for these celebrations, but with so few schools today connected to a church it appears to be nothing like it was when I was a nipper. Old-fashioned wheatsheafs, those that we'd only ever seen in old paintings, were specially made and placed all around our church where tables piled full of donated produce - that which would be given to the poor, the elderly, and the local hospital - completely lined the perimeter of the, always for this service with the parents being there in great numbers, filled to the rafters church.

Of course these people packing out our church weren't all devout Christians. Most, especially the fathers, would never be seen in the church at any other time - not unless there was a hatch, a match, or a dispatch to commemorate - so for them this was not so much a religious affair as a community one. They were happy times, family times (what's that mean to anyone today?), and times when people from all walks of life came together for a common purpose - to do good. It's sad that they are waning.

Saying all that, you can imagine my dismay on seeing the headlines: Council Bans Xmas.

Apparently not concerned one bit with the lambasting they received for replacing Guy Fawkes night with some celebration about a tiger this year, Tower Hamlets council in East London has told its staff not to put up Christmas decorations in the office. Festive lighting has also been banned.

In giving their reasons for the ruling, a council spokeswoman is reported as saying: "There's a concern people might hurt themselves trying to attach hanging decorations from the ceiling," and then for going on to tell us: "Christmas lights use a relatively small amount of electricity but every effort counts in reducing energy waste."

One council employee there reckons it feels more like the Eastern Bloc than the East End at the moment, except they say it's slightly less cheery. I can only sympathise with them. It really must be a barrel of laughs living or working in Tower Hamlets, mustn't it? I queried it last time: they allow these people to govern?

Surely the need is nigh for employing a common sense examination before anyone is selected to run for council, isn't it? This is ridiculous to the Nth degree! A simple disclaimer would cover the council against accident claims from their employees - and besides, each year more people suffer serious accidents by going to the loo than they do by putting up their decorations. Check it out. Perhaps I shouldn't have said that - they might ban toilet breaks next in Tower Hamlets council!

If this council is so concerned about the electricity a few Xmas lights would use, then they could recoup that loss thousands of times over just by turning off the street lighting one second earlier - their timing is not an accurate science, it would still be at the official time - or they could even for a few days merely remove one bulb that isn't important in their building. Get real! Get a life! Life can often be quite good - for those allowed to live it!

It's become sort of an accepted fact that a lot of gay people seek employment in the entertainment, hospitality, and caring professions. I'm beginning to think a similar acceptance should be considered for our local government jobs attracting our pudding heads. If this is not so, then perhaps we should be worrying far more than we do about our councils, and maybe looking for ulterior motives when it comes to some of the stupid rulings they think up!

Another council seemingly lacking in common sense appears to be York. There the bin men have complained the rubbish bins are overfilled, with the contents pressed down, and have refused to empty some of them. After a cold night they say the contents are often frozen solid, making the bins hard to empty. A York council spokesman has revealed health and safety rules prohibit the bin men from putting their (gloved?) hands into the bins to tease out the contents.

Really? Oh, dear! It must be something to do with winter, I guess. Is that something new? I mean, we've never had these problems before, have we? If rubbish cannot be collected efficiently in cold weather, then I bet there's many a family living in places like Canada who must pray for spring to come each year in order to get rid of the tons of rubbish that they will have hoarded throughout their long and extreme winter conditions. Get real! (Again!)

If the bins are overfilled then it is plainly obvious that they are not being emptied frequently enough, and if the bin men aren't allowed to insert a gloved hand into a bin then something like a pair of laundry tongs (priced less than a pound) issued to each gang for when they encounter a naughty bin should solve the problem in most cases. A broom handle, equally as cheap, bashed around in the bin could also suffice. There, the answer is as easy and as simple as that - when you employ a little common sense. How much does that council cost the inhabitants of York? Couldn't they find more sensible people for their money?

It's ridiculous to claim the rubbish bins can't be emptied because of the cold weather. They HAVE to be emptied, and it's the job of the council to ensure that happens - it's one of the things the people pay them for! "Fings ain't what they used to be" - especially it seems when it comes to some of those people in public service. We may pay them, but they should never forget that at the end of the day they are still our "public servants" - they are not deities, and neither are any of them irreplaceable.

Come back Ester Rantzen, "That's Life!", and the "Jobsworth" award - we need you!

Finally, did you read about Britain's unluckiest man? No, strangely enough, he doesn't live in Tower Hamlets but in Stainforth. Oh, my God! Isn't that somewhere in Yorkshire? John Lyne, who somehow has managed to reach the age of fifty-four, has to date suffered sixteen major accidents. The most recent, falling down a manhole, has injured his back, his left leg, and both knees. We're told several of the accidents happened on a Friday 13th - so beware all you unbelievers!

As a youngster, John fell from a horse and cart - and was immediately run over by another vehicle. A few years later he fell out of a tree and broke his arm, and on his way back from having it set at the hospital the bus he was on crashed, breaking the arm again but in a different place. That one was a Friday 13th experience. Amongst the other disasters he has twice been struck by lightning, suffered a mine caving in on top of him, once nearly drowned, and he has survived three car crashes.

Remember the name, folks. John Lyne. If he's on the passenger list for your charter flight, it might be wise to forget the holiday!

And mentioning holidays, following the untimely and fishy death of Alexander Litvinenko I'm Russian out a word of advice to all those soon throwing their seasonal dinner parties: my spies tell me a lot of people, including the suntan freaks, might be Putin sushi on the list of things that they won't be eating this year. This strange and tragic news story has sort of put all the fears we might once have had about our radioactive cod into some kind of perspective, hasn't it?

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 24/11/06.

Well Darlings,

As I put this week's column together, today it is World AIDS Day and all around the globe there will be people taking part in special gatherings and candlelit vigils. Others will be fundraising for the various AIDS charities. It is a time to remember, a time to consider, and a time to think. Sadly, thinking is something that people don't seem to do enough of these days.

The results of a survey conducted by pollsters MYVOICE were released today. Alarmingly this survey shows that, out of more than 1,000 interviewed, nearly half of the people were unable to identify common sexual complaints. Almost two-thirds believed Arrabiata (the hot Italian sauce) was a sex infection, and a staggering 43% were completely unable to identify any of the sexual diseases they were asked about. And all this, folks, is twenty-five years after we first learned that anything wrong "down there" may no longer be able to be easily fixed by a jab at the "special" clinic. It is a shameful state of affairs! It is deplorable!

Whilst a seeming vendetta is currently being carried out against smokers at a cost of millions of pounds, and we turn a blind eye to all the death and destruction attributed to alcohol which costs the country billions of pounds annually, killing people and ruining other people's lives, there are those, our sons, daughters, brothers and sisters - all of them belonging to, and loved by, a family somewhere - who will through ignorance this very night put their lives at risk. Tonight many will catch sexual infections - and some may, and most probably will, acquire HIV.

Despite all the good news you may have heard about drugs and what they can do these days, make no mistake about it: HIV leading to AIDS is a death sentence. There is no cure for AIDS, no-one with it has ever reached their expected full life potential, and by its own definition no-one ever will. Even worse news is that the latest strain of HIV that is resistant to many of the drugs, and is more common here in the UK than anywhere else in Europe, can mean that life remaining for anyone with it may be considerably shorter than ever previously supposed.

Every uninformed, ill informed, and ignorant person out there indulging in unsafe sex tonight, and they will be out there in their millions, could be spreading one of the world's most deadly diseases - and yet they are less concerned and less educated about it than we were over two decades ago. We're told 48% of those taking part in this survey said they would be turned off sex by body odour and poor personal hygiene - and that is only to be expected - but not to be expected is finding out that only a mere 4% would be put off by someone's refusal to wear a condom!

You may be asking yourself: What price do these people put on their lives? But you need to remember - as the survey has shown us - these people just don't know the risks. In a time before the Internet, and before multi-media mobile telephones, we were far more successful in educating our people, both old and young, on sexual matters than we are today - and by miles! Some of the trash I've recently seen on the Internet, supposedly put there as sexual education, makes me despair. When the teachers can get it wrong, what hope is there?

The Nanny State tells us where we can smoke, when and where we can drink alcohol, where we can park and not park a vehicle, how we can and cannot drive that vehicle, which school our kids can and cannot attend, when our shops may and may not open, what they may or may not sell us, whether or not you may look after your own children, how high we may build a fence and sometimes even what colour it must be painted. It charges for, licences, and penalises us for just about everything barring the fresh air, and there are so many, many - countless - other ways in which it rules our lives - all of our lives - and yet it won't go into the schools to ram the plain and simple safer sex message, and the absolute need for it, into the minds of our children, every single one of them, for fear of upsetting "the righteous" brigade - usually the religious; the do-gooders. Just where do our priorities lie?

If you are a supporter of Stonewall then you will have to forgive me for reproducing here a part of a letter from Ben Summerskill, the chief executive.

"SOMETIMES the darkest hour comes just before dawn. The last few days have seen a series of hateful and deeply offensive claims about the government's proposed goods and services regulations being made by people claiming to be Christian.

An inflammatory whole page advertisement was purchased in The Times on Tuesday by a group of anonymous individuals calling themselves "Coherent and Cohesive Voice". (It's a name curiously similar to that of Christian Voice, the odd collection of individuals whose campaigning recently resulted in death threats against some BBC staff).

Meanwhile, the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Birmingham and the Church of England Bishop of Rochester have both broken cover this week, confessing that what they really want is the right to turn lesbian and gay people away from "schools, adoption agencies, welfare programmes and shelters".

The Times advert breached the ninth commandment - that thou shalt not bear false witness - time and again. So it's clear that many of these campaigners against equality don't have many scruples. But the demand from Bishops that they should be entitled to turn gay people away from homelessness shelters and soup kitchens betrays an absence of charity that would make most truly Christian folk weep."

Our government is under threat from the Catholic Church that they will close down all their children's homes should they be forced to adopt the equality policy. They claim that the government is not the right body to decide on peoples' morals - and, I guess, they think they are!

In God's name, who are some of these people who claim to be Christian? We elect our governments and we thereby have a say in and accept their moral standing - we do not elect the Church, its officials, or decide on its morals and teachings. To many the Church has no meaning whatsoever - they have considered it and rejected it - so why should it expect the right to give moral guidance to anyone? I say go ahead - close the children's homes. Perhaps something better will be done for these kids. And considering their past record, maybe there would be many people who would be sleeping sounder knowing that the Catholic Church was no longer in charge of children!

With apologies to Jesus, when it come to some of our do-gooders and "Christians" it has to be said: "God forgive them, for they know not what they do."

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 1/12/06.

Please visit and support: http://www.stonewall.org.uk/

Well Darlings,

The time is fast approaching. Christmas. Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All Men. Perhaps I should broaden my circles, as it seems far from that wherever I go. We see our pensioners going without food and turning off their heating in order to pay their council tax. A tax that one in four of them has difficulty in paying. Help the Aged are campaigning for the government to reinstate the £200 discount for pensioners to help them at this time of year. I guess they must have more faith in the goodwill of our government than most people. This discount was given to older people before the 2005 General Election, and withdrawn afterwards. Not a lot of goodwill in that was there? It smacks of a pre-election bribe to win the pensioners' votes.

Never mind, perhaps some of our poor pensioners will be cheered up by an annual visit from their relatives over the Christmas, a chance to see their grandchildren again, or maybe an old friend might call on them to stay for a day or two. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

It would be nice, except the noticeable lack of goodwill by hundreds of workers on Central Trains may prevent that happening for some people. More than 550 senior conductors for Central Trains, which runs services throughout the Midlands, will walk out in separate attacks on travellers over the festive season. They have a dispute with their employers over pay and rosters and will go on strike for 24 hours on Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve, and again on New Year's Day, the repercussions of which may be felt on other days too. The strikes have the backing of the Rail, Maritime and Transport Union. Not much goodwill from them, is there?

Where are some people's guts these days? Why do they always want to hit the general public in order to sort out their problems, and at critical times? Because it's the easy way out? Get a bit of backbone! There are countless ways they could "have a go" at their bosses to show their extreme displeasure without resorting to affecting the commuter. Why not use some of them? Is it because they're just a load of Bankers? Or some word like that!

Further south there's no more love of our fellow man. Last Friday the Dorcan postal sorting office was praised for being the best in the country by mail watchdog Postwatch. Now, you would think that was good news, wouldn't you? Something for all to celebrate? But, oh no! The fact that the Swindon Regional Mail Centre is so good it can deliver 97 per cent of its first-class letters within a day has upset postal workers in Reading. They are now calling for people to boycott Swindon by writing "Not via Swindon" on their Christmas cards. They have even had hundreds of stickers printed with slogans like: "Do not send my mail via Swindon mail centre", to be stuck to envelopes. What? Why?

Quite simply, it's because the "far better at their job" Swindon Regional Mail Centre is planning to double in size and to take over the offices in Reading. We're told the Communication Workers Union has backed the Reading mail workers' protesting against this eventuality. Union spokesman, Terry Jackson, talks of the quality of service suffering, of the environmental costs, and of workers' misery.

Misery? In what - doing the job they're paid to do correctly and efficiently? There's far worse jobs than being a postal worker, believe me! These people should be pleased and proud they were becoming part of a winning team. But then, perhaps, that might involve them having to do some work, mightn't it? And as for talking about "the quality of service suffering" - is the union frightened that the quality of service might improve if they are run by an already successful centre?

In several parts of the country there are postal workers' disputes, strikes called for - they're on, they're off, they're on again - and over many differing issues. What is going on?

Since the "honours for cash" allegations, and the police investigation into all that starting, it has been revealed that our strapped for cash (in debt up their eyeballs!) governing party has been helped out by the unions. Recently we've seen some quite bolshie activity from some unions. I do hope we aren't going to have to scream for the return of Maggie, or the likes of her, in a few years time!

Moving on, another one to add to the list of idiot ideas. Towns in Lancashire are to introduce pink lighting as a way of stopping teenagers committing crimes. Pink lighting is said to create a calming atmosphere. They say the pink lights also show up spots on the skin. "Oh, my God! I've got a zit! I shall have to run home and hide, instead of mugging that old granny!" Get real!

This joins the likes of giving out chocolate bars, patting police horses, and relayed high frequencies from lampposts - the yobs don't hear them with the stolen iPod in their ear! - and all the other similar crap. It makes the headlines, everybody thinks the anti-social issues are being tackled, a few encouraging reports are issued later - and then, when it can hold water no longer, another new idea (an "initiative") is produced to keep the public happy. If all the money constantly being wasted on these stupid "initiatives" were to be channelled into putting more police on the streets - where they belong! - then I feel we might see some REAL results!

There was a large and favourable feedback on the issues discussed last week. Mostly on the failing of our government to ensure the safer sex message, and the absolute need for it, was being taught to all children. Many felt the money being wasted targeting the smokers - a section of society already happy to be segregated, but not to be completely banned - could be better used for something far more important. More important to most is the fact that every day people are having unprotected sex, and risk inheriting a death sentence through their ignorance - an ignorance mainly due to the inability of the health service, the education service, and the government, to get the safer sex message across.

Knowing how people feel about huge sums of public money being used to target all the wrong issues, you can imagine my amazement when I learned that dance classes are to be provided on the National Health Service. We're informed that street-dancing, tango classes, abseiling, trampolining, and incredibly even kite flying are amongst a wide range of activities that will be funded by NHS trusts.

Excuse me! Is this the same National Health Service that can't afford to keep some of our hospitals open, and is closing them down all over the country? The same health service that can't successfully teach our kids the virtues of safer sex? The one that can't rid itself of the hospital bug MRSA (cases up by over 2,000% in a decade) that now annually kills patients in their thousands, and who has now possibly inherited an even more lethal super bug: clostridium difficile (c-diff)? Is this the same health service that wants to fund these dance classes?

Yes, I fully appreciate the dance classes and the like are intended to tackle declining fitness levels and to prevent a national obesity crisis - but a lack of exercise is something that people may suffer for in the long-term future. Our kids and loved ones are in danger today. Right now. This very instant. In their millions. And through flying their kite!

Fat people is a problem for tomorrow. Few will take up the offer of these free dance dates, least of all those who need them the most. This is just another "initiative" for public consumption to make us think the government and our health service wallahs are on top of things - when the reverse is nearer to the truth.

It's not the fat people, but the fatheads existing in the health service and in our government that is the problem for today. A big problem. People know why they are fat - but shamefully today they don't know that they could suffer a terminal illness through unsafe sex - tonight! How important is that on a scale of one to ten? Why is it not the number one issue to be tackled?

The governing party, New Labour, came into power to the tune of "Things can only get better," - in nearly a decade they haven't. Of the health service, Tony Blair now tells us: "The best is yet to come."

I leave you to your private thoughts on that one - whatever party you may support and might feel you need to publicly defend. Your personal, innermost, private, and otherwise unknown thoughts and truths.

The best is yet to come? A nation groans!

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 8/12/06.

Well Darlings,

I see some people trying to give up smoking in the Glasgow area have recently had a bit of hard luck. Instead of Zyban, a common anti-smoking pill, they have been prescribed sildenafil - which by any other name is Viagra. The cock-ups, we're told by the NHS for Glasgow and Clyde, were entirely due to a computer error. Somehow it seems you can't put a computer near anyone even remotely involved with the NHS these days without there being something unforeseen popping up, doesn't it?

"Are you happy in your attempt to give up smoking, sir?" the doctor enquired.
"Very," he grinned back.
"Then I'm proud of you."
"Oh, no Doc. I'm the proud one!"

I wonder what that rogue NHS computer dishes out for erectile dysfunction? Bromide tablets?

So, now what? A seasonal story? How about the supply teacher at the Boldmere Junior School in Sutton Coldfield who has been sacked for telling the truth? The unnamed woman, in her thirties, has had her contract terminated after parents complained to the Head, Diane Thomas-Wood, that she had revealed to the kids there was no such person as Santa Claus. Mothers complained: "It's taken away the magic," and: "Everyone is disgusted."

Really? We are talking Junior School here, aren't we? Had it been the Infant School, I might have had some sympathy with the mothers - but Junior School? At that age I would have thought the parents would have been relieved that someone has taken away from them all the embarrassment of having to explain to the youngsters why Mummy and Daddy had lied to them for so long.

Do we have Secondary School kids in Sutton Coldfield still believing in Santa? It has to be considered after reading this story. Apparently the sacked teacher has also revealed to the kids that fairies did not exist either. Hmm . . . It's about the time they make Secondary School that some of them will be discovering just how wrong she was on that one!

Talking of kids and schools, did you catch the story of the huge willy drawn on the roof of Yarm School in Stockton on Tees? It was so large it could be seen from space - and we're told nobody knew about it until it was spotted on Google Earth. It is thought the prank was carried out by a couple of ex-pupils who hopped over the fence one weekend. A naughty prank - but brilliant!

I haven't looked but they say that, although the willy has now been removed, you can still see the outline of it on the Google program. Wait now! You finish reading this before you going hopping off there! Google have said that should anyone discover anything offensive on their pictures they would consider removing it. Er . . . How about Boldmere Junior School in Sutton Coldfield, darlings?

Another follow up story to Tony Blair's famous speech on the importance of: "Education. Education. Education." It seems that: "Education. Ejucation. Ejewcashun." might be more reflective of the result of this government's efforts to educate our children.

The giant retailer Tesco commissioned Lancaster University's Professor Tony McEnery to conduct a study of teenagers' blogs, questionnaires and speech. Not surprisingly to me, the study shows that the twenty most popular words teenagers use include: "yeah", "no", "but", and "like" - and these make up about one-third of all the words they use! The professor tells us that, in true Vicky Pollard fashion, the word: "no" is frequently, and notably, accompanied by the word "but" as in: "no but", and teenagers use these words almost double the amount of times as do older people. Teenagers only use half the number of words as do 25 to 34-year-olds.

So there we have it - it is only after they have left school that our kids are able to learn, and to begin getting a grasp of the English language in order to speak proper "just like wot I does!" Yeah but ejewcashun's a funny fing, innit? No but it is, innit?

My immediate reaction to this story was to question why Tesco should commission such a survey - and then a likely answer came to me. You can't sell your potatoes to someone who only knows: tatties, can you? No but, like you can't, can you like? Know wot I mean?

May God forgive our government - for so many things! And may He help us should we have to suffer meeting: tatties, martus, narners, shooger and all the suchlike in the aisles of our supermarkets one day soon!

Funniest story of the week? I think it has to be John Prescott at the Party of European Socialists conference in Portugal. (I bet that was a real blast!) Prezza was having to rush through his "prepared" speech on climate change after his allocated time had been halved and, as the translators struggled to make sense of his method of conveying a message, his false tooth shot out of his mouth leaving a gap large enough in which to park his two Jags. A historical moment. Perhaps the only time that anyone ever got anything out of our John - apart from a punch, that is!

Mr Prescott carried on to finish his speech, and sat down to a rapturous applause - but whether it was for the speech or for his cabaret act, we may never know.

Well, that's it, Darlings - another year over. I shall not be back to write this column again until we are into the New Year. The past year has not been a good one for many people around our planet, has it? Let us all wish and hope for a better New Year for each and every one of us - a happy, healthy, and a peaceful one.

May your God go with you, should you have one; may you have all the Luck in the world, should you not.

Happy Holidays - and I'll see you all next year!

"The Bitch!" 15/12/06.

Well Darlings,

I'm back! How was it for you - the Xmas holiday season? What's that? Seen one, seen 'em all? You should be thankful for all that madness, inebriation and frivolity - you will probably have missed a lot of the bad news.

As you now return to the sanity of wondering how on earth you are going to pay for all the excesses of the past few weeks, let me remind you as you may have forgotten (or missed it entirely - Xmas is always a good time to bury bad news) that the figures released by the Office of National Statistics revealed our income tax burden had reached its highest level since records began. Since Labour came to power the nation's tax bill has risen by a staggering £219 billion. It rose by 3.1% in the three months to October - and 9.2% since the start of 2006. Also at the highest level since records began are our household debt levels. They now stand just short of £1,300 billion. Happy New Year, folks!

Other news that may only now be becoming apparent - especially to all those affected by the rail strikes over the holidays because some train personnel were happy to sacrifice £200 a day to have the time off - are the massive increases in rail fares. Season tickets and some off-peak fares - those fares that are controlled by the government - increase by 4.3%, whilst other fares rise by anything up to 7.3%. That's increases of up to around three times the target rate of inflation.

Now call me stupid or old-fashioned, but isn't that going to put people off travelling by train? And how does it fit in with the government's 10-year plan for transport? Oh, you've forgotten about that, have you? Let me remind you. It's where they promised us that by 2010 we would see big improvements to our trains. There would be less overcrowding, for one. Well, yes they could be right with that bit if people can't afford the tickets! But what about the rest of that policy? What about the promise of better reasons for people to leave their cars at home and take to travelling by train? The save the planet bit? Higher rail fares won't help that cause, will they?

O Ye of little faith! Forget the rise in the rail fares - just watch out for the massive increases that will soon have to be borne by all the road travellers. Congestion charges in our towns and cities nationwide, tolls on some of our roads and motorways, higher parking charges and more restrictions, stiffer driving tests, and the change in the vehicle licensing along with fuel taxes - it's no secret, it's all either already in the pipeline or is being openly talked about! - will ensure that no matter how much the rail fares rise now, we will soon still be tempted to travel by train - and what a good idea it was to get those rail fares increased first!

When the government has lost the moral ground to fight the next election on taxation then it has nothing to lose by taxing us even further, through the roof, in an effort to improve services. Sadly, like with the health and education services, no matter how much extra they tax us, and no matter how much more money they throw at them, I cannot see our railways dramatically improving, and neither can the railway bosses. This government has thrown untold amounts of money - our money - at everything it could in an effort to see some improvement. Quid pro quo it has not worked out. What were really needed were good ideas, but they didn't have them.

Despite all the money thrown at our health service, wards and even complete hospitals are closing, people are dying in ever increasing numbers from infections caught in hospital, the standard of care is not what it used to be, and more and more health service staff are being made redundant. It's a similar story with education. The money spent has increased remarkably yet the standard of education continues to fall, year on year, further behind that found in some other European countries where once we were the leader.

The latest bad news concerns our armed forces. In unprecedented actions, more and more distinguished senior officers are being outspoken about the serious lack of investment in the security of our nation. We are hearing about shortfalls in equipment - and yet only this week we have been told the government are looking to make even more drastic cuts. Half of our navy may be mothballed, and some believe government officials are trying to find a way to justify axing the planned two new aircraft carriers.

General Sir Michael Rose recently wrote in the Independent On Sunday: "In the past six years, the Prime Minister has presided over a near-catastrophic decline in defence spending which has put our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan at considerable, and quite unnecessary risk." And Admiral Sir Alan West, First Sea Lord until his retirement, has likened our Ministry of Defence to those of "tinpot countries" which neglected to invest in major military equipment.

In the past few days we've heard of shorter gaps between tours of duty for our army lads and lasses, serious concerns over their kit, disputes over (thought to be) promised pay and allowances, and appalling conditions in the accommodation for the service families back home. And, as if all that wasn't enough, figures released from the Defence Analytical Support Agency reveal that, in the year up to last June, 14,460 people quit the Army and, in spite of an extra £3.6 million of our money being thrown at recruitment drives, the numbers of people joining up remain significantly fewer than those experienced soldiers choosing to leave. It's a recipe for disaster!

The lifespan of a chicken is around 5 to 10 years, but sometimes it can go on for as long as 12 to 15 years - as any gay guy can tell you!

Eh? What? Chickens? Gay guys? What's happening here? Has she finally flipped?

No darlings, I haven't flipped my lid. It's just that I predict that 2007 will be the year that many of this government's chickens finally come home to roost.

You may be asking: but why this year? We've had quite a few bad years from them, and it seems that barring a miracle there are still more to suffer. But then that would mean you had also missed the story where, in breaking with the tradition of 522 years, a woman has become the Tower of London's first ever female Beefeater. Now if that doesn't ruffle a few feathers and cause the Ravens to flee, then nothing will!

Moving on swiftly, and talking of miracles, I hate stories that are never followed up. Those of which you never learn the outcome. One that springs to mind is about Flora - the dragon involved in an immaculate conception. Three of the eleven eggs she laid last May somehow became broken. On investigation they were found to contain embryos, proving beyond any doubt that they had been fertilised. There's nothing wrong with that, you may be thinking - until you learn that this Komodo dragon at Chester Zoo has never met a male of the species. Subsequent DNA testing has proven that Flora is both the mother and father of the fertile eggs which were due to hatch around Xmas time.

Whilst there are several species of lizards known to be able to self-fertilise - have immaculate conceptions, if you like - it has apparently never before happened with drag on - and on here that has to be far too good a story to miss! So, has anybody seen a bright star recently? Or perhaps the three wise men?

Er . . . Do we actually have three wise men?

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 5/01/07.

Well Darlings,

It was Harvey Milk who once said, "More people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason. That, my friends, that is true perversion." And making his views on religion known, Arthur C Clarke has told us: "The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion." They are both profound statements, both so true, and both so relevant to today.

All the terrible and seemingly never ending twists and turns of the Middle East troubles can, when all is said and done, only be put down to religion, with their consequences felt worldwide. It is an area that has fought religious battles and harboured deep grudges throughout all of history. How many people have died during all those centuries in the name of some god? The numbers must be frightening. Without doubt those figures will be absolutely, appallingly horrendous in their magnitude, and you would think it must surely be time now for all religions to accept that too many lives have been lost in the name of something that is only a belief; lost in the name of something taken on faith alone, and which could perhaps be based purely on some natural inbuilt and desperate hope of mankind. But no, all around the world religions continue with their evil harvesting.

Of course it's not always the religions that are at fault - mostly they seem to be based on all good intentions - it's often some of the religious people, not all of them, who are the real trouble. It is not enough for them to happily believe they have a found their god, and through that divine being their salvation - they seem to believe that this discovery has immediately given them the unchallengeable right to determine how all others should live their lives. It is a preposterous state of affairs, and one that is quite intolerable. How dare they!

It is because of such people we have needed laws on equality - laws to protect the rights of people. Many innocent inhabitants of the planet we all share have suffered over the eons for the practises and teachings of these religious fanatics. These enlightened souls have been the root cause of many of the great wrongs of the world. Those with differing religions, or with none at all, had to be "converted" or destroyed. Once those of a different race had to be enslaved, and put to work for the glory of a god where forgiveness (for what - their colour?) and salvation had to be beaten into them. Even those people of the same race who chose to live in a different manner were put to death. They were the witches and the warlocks, and they died in their countless thousands - terrible deaths at the hands of the religious.

We don't need laws on equality - we only need laws to protect us from the religious fanatics and the harmful beliefs they hold, and that they have spread as widely as they could all around the world until many, even the non-religious, now hold some of them. If these people are so right in all that they believe in, then they should be satisfied that that will unreservedly be proven to all and sundry on one glorious day - on their day of salvation. My view is that until that time we should have no truck whatsoever with any of their strange beliefs. Providing nothing we do is ever to the detriment of another, we should all lead our own lives as we think is right and fitting for each one of us.

But that is all a dream, it is unlikely to happen within our lifetimes. The religious have infiltrated everything, from business to politics - and everywhere around the globe they have spread their differing "holier than thou" doctrines until now we have to battle for the simplest of human rights. The right to be able to live our lives freely, and without fear or prejudice, as the equal beings we were made by whatever it was that created us.

These past few weeks we have seen (so called) Christians, and from both the major denominations, rigorously demonstrating for the right to be able to refuse help or hospitality to gay people. They are demanding the right to refuse help to any young gay homeless person; they want to be able to turn them away, even from a soup kitchen, because of their sexuality. If that is holy, then it's wholly unacceptable to me. It's not the way in which my god works! Thankfully sanity has prevailed and their outrageous attempt to annul the Equality Act (Sexual Orientation) Regulations (Northern Ireland) - soon (April) to become law throughout all of the UK - has been rejected by a vote of 199 to 68 in the Lords following a two-hour debate.

However I don't think that will be the end of it. When we need to have laws to protect us from such people, they can never be ideal. They are by necessity complex to the extreme, and whilst we gain some rights we may find we shall be losing some of the much loved freedoms we have for a long time taken for granted. The law prohibiting discrimination against gays and lesbians in the provision of goods and services is a double-edged sword.

When it becomes illegal for anyone to refuse goods, or to provide a different standard of service, based on a person's sexuality, then it also becomes hard to justify having "gay only" venues and "gay only" accommodations. Some people, gay club owners and hoteliers, are putting their hopes into "grandfather clauses" and on "precedence", but these, if they can legally work - and many legal boffins are still debating that, will only affect what was once and still is now - they can offer no help at all to what we would hope to come; that what will be in the future. In other words, when the days of the gay venues and gay accommodations that hopefully may today gain some exemptions come to an end, there will be no new ones out there of a similar trait to replace them.

To try to justify getting a new hotel or venue licensed and operating as a gay or lesbian only concern will, once the new regulations come into in force, be an unenviable task. I feel that, unless one day we revert back to the secret underground gay clubs and accommodations that were popular in the first half of the last century, in the days of Polari, then some people's gay lifestyles will be forced to change forever.

Do you happen to know your Polari? (Visit our Blackpool Gay Lifestyle page to get the low-down on Polari.)

For the most part our "gay" pubs and clubs have been quite happy to accommodate the well-behaved visiting (sometimes unknowing) straight people. There are rarely any objections from the regulars as to what these people may get up to whilst enjoying themselves and "doing their thing". Often they are quite fun to watch. However, law or no law to protect people and to give them their equal rights, it takes a very brave gay person to act so freely in many a straight pub or club. I don't think any law is likely to change that. Laws may give rights, but they can never force any person to like another person - and so after that hairy great hetty gorilla who has been giving you hateful looks all evening has consumed a few more pints . . . ? Sometimes it is nice to have a bit of our own "gay space", isn't it? I hope we don't come to miss it.

Recently on here we met the lies children are told - in that case it was Santa Claus. But Santa isn't the only one. I was raised, like most others of the time, on religious teachings of a good and marvellous God, a charitable one full of love and forgiveness. We sang of: "All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful: the Lord God made them all," and similarly: "We plough the fields, and scatter the good seed on the land, but it is fed and watered by God's almighty hand . . ." They taught me I was that seed. That God made me and God loved me. It was a wonderful concept.

Only later do children grow up and learn the painful truth. The truth of all the hatred, destruction and death that comes with this religion - a religion that fights to the death, and which carries out unbelievable atrocities, even on worshipers of the same deity - and where those who run it aren't happy with the way in which their God made some of us - gay - and we discover that they want to change us, or totally disown us by treating us like some biblical leper. It's a far bigger shock than losing Santa, isn't it?

Well I've got news for them: there has been little hatred for gay people throughout all history that hasn't originally stemmed from some religious source. Yet despite all their efforts we are still here and our percentage numbers have never faltered. Perhaps there is a God who wants it that way! Perhaps He likes a little sanity on His planet!

Wouldn't it be nice if despite their religion, and providing it was never detrimental to anyone, all people happily accepted and respected the needs of all other people, and there was no need for any laws attempting to create some false sense of "equality"?

Equality means "equal to" - it doesn't mean being "the same as". Equality should come built in, not legislated for. Yes, I know it can only be a dream - but what a dream!

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 12/01/07.

Well Darlings,

It's been a week of blows, hasn't it?

Probably the one most likely to immediately spring to mind will be the massive storm that hit the UK on Thursday. That was a real big blow, wasn't it? We found it particularly severe in Blackpool where the winds on the front touched 100 mph at times, causing havoc and much destruction. Blackpool is no newcomer to strong winds, but nobody I've met recently can recall it being quite that bad before.

At one point even yours truly was hurtled several yards, right into and across the road, with my legs frantically running, my bags of shopping horizontal in the wind, and my feet pushing forward desperately trying to gain some purchase in a vain attempt to stop my progress as the gusts made me weightless and threw me ever onward, further and further forward, until a wall finally halted the involuntary passage.

I can remember thinking at the time: What other way would be apt for the Bitch to go? It's a bit of an in-joke, and I think quite a funny one: I'm well known by many of the local gay hoteliers, those belonging to BAGs (Blackpool Accommodation for Gays - visit their website at http://www.blackpool-gay-hotels.com), for mincing past their establishments laden with my bags of shopping around lunchtime every day. It seemed so fitting at the time. The bag with her bags - gone! But thankfully someone up there must like me - at least enough to ensure that at the time I was completely blown across the road junction it was totally devoid of traffic. Those bags of shopping have lived on to see another day!

Friday morning revealed some massive destruction, roofs gone, slates everywhere, walls toppled, and trees uprooted, with much of the town still cordoned off. But within hours it was business as usual. As if nothing had happened, Blackpool was open again and happily playing host to the countless thousands of people beginning to fill the resort for the annual Pigeon Show at the Winter Gardens. They're a tough lot these northerners. When the Irish Sea invades the Promenade, as it can do at this time of the year, they just suck it up and spit it back over the sea-wall! Get back, Salty! Grrrr! They may be doing it down there again today - more severe weather is forecast for us here, and a short trip outside the Royal Mews a few moments ago proved it's already becoming a bit draughty around the gills.

The annual Pigeon Show is a curious event. Bigger, butcher, more burlier blokes than some of the bird owners you have never seen, and yet their giant hands, thick plates of meat with sausage fingers, can handle and caress their silvery-grey feathered friends - some would say: vermin! - lovingly, and without any harm at all to the animals which have grown to trust them. They proudly show off their birds, win awards, and they buy and sell the creatures - with some of them changing hands for thousands of pounds a time, and yet I swear you couldn't make a decent sandwich out of any of them! There's nowt as strange as folk, is there?

Another blow for us here recently was the local press wrongly reporting the launch of Blackpool Pride, when in fact they had only attended a courtesy photo-shoot. No! No, please don't! Please don't mock the afflicted! I'm sure they do their best! When they were informed of their error, I'm told they immediately promised to rectify matters by publishing another article, and everybody thought that was nice of them - but at the time of writing this I still haven't seen one. There! And they led us to believe they were the saviours of Blackpool tourism! Never mind, if I haven't missed it, I guess they will get around to putting it right - in time.

Much is placed on the launch party for Pride. It's a big event. Cabaret acts will be giving their time and performances for nothing to help raise money. A really worthwhile winning Raffle, and a Grand Midnight Auction, where some of the collectable signed and framed celebrity items (from Beckham, Schumacher, Rooney, and Bruno - to name a few supplied courtesy of: The Frame Team, Blackpool) are each expected to go for hundreds of pounds, will help to provide some much needed funds for the now annual event, so everyone here is really hoping and praying that the local newspaper's wrong information doesn't prove too damaging.

To clarify matters: The Official Blackpool Pride Launch Party will take place at the Mardi Gras in Talbot Road on Thursday 25th January. It will be a spectacular night, and a busy Mardi Gras will be open from noon and right through until 3am. Admission is free (no ticket needed) and the drinks are at reduced prices throughout (mostly half-price, I'm informed). With the Cabaret Show hosted by Stella Artois starting at 9pm, and the Grand Auction taking place at midnight, it truly is an event not to be missed! Expect to see some important faces in the crowd. Full details of the event, and all the latest local Pride News, are on the Blackpool Pride website: http://www.prideblackpool.com

Another blow this week was felt by the Office for National Statistics - and you know how often I quote them! We're told their headquarters in London is to close by 2010, with the loss of up to 600 jobs. Apparently some staff will be relocated to Newport in South Wales, whilst others will be made redundant. A most unhappy about the situation Mark Serwotka, General Secretary of the Public and Commercial Services Union, claims it is an unnecessary and ill thought through move. He says it will undermine the quality of the statistics that the Government base their new initiatives and policies on.

The Office for National Statistics has often been an embarrassment to the government. Frequently the first stop for those who report on political matters, they seem to have an uncanny habit of releasing statistics to reveal the truth about a subject shortly after we have been bombarded by a load of spin from the government in an attempt to convince us otherwise. I'm sure we could be forgiven for suspecting this really is a case of "shooting the messenger", couldn't we?

Strangely relevant: speaking at his monthly press conference, Tony Blair has once more insisted crime has fallen, and that anti-social behaviour measures are making a real difference. Yeah, right! I don't think many people actually believe that anymore. It's become a sort of ritual. The government make a claim, and we either laugh or we ignore it. But perhaps we would be more inclined to believe a report issued by The Centre for Crime and Justice Studies?

Enver Solomon, the Deputy Director of The Centre for Crime and Justice Studies and the co-author of the report: "Ten years of criminal justice under Labour: An independent audit", tells us that despite the massive investment in criminal justice since 1997 he finds it startling how little independent work has been carried out to determine whether the money has been well spent. He claims that the results have been mixed and, most importantly, that the government has been too quick to claim successes that are not always apparent. So when he goes on to tell us many of Labour's key claims to success in tackling crime and improving the criminal justice system simply do not stand up to detailed scrutiny, I feel I'm inclined to believe him - and I begin to wonder just how long it will be before this organisation is closed down too, or relocated to somewhere in Wales!

I suppose Wales isn't that bad when you consider where they could be sent. We do still own - although Argentina might dispute it - a mountain range in Antarctica!

Whilst another blow, the cutting back on defence expenditure may not be news to anyone by now, the revelation that our police forces may have to cut the numbers of their police officers because of a squeeze on funding, most certainly is. It's a severe blow. Nevertheless a Home Office spokesman has informed us: "It's not about officer numbers, it's about service." Really? And at a time when we're told: Labour's key claims to success in tackling crime and improving the criminal justice system do not stand up to detailed scrutiny? Surely not? That takes some swallowing, doesn't it?

Yet another blow for some is the news that many attractive home buyer's mortgage deals, those with a fixed-rate that protects against interest rate rises, have been terminated. At least 12 banks and building societies have scrapped their fixed-rate deals, replacing them with variable rate deals which will be able to fluctuate along with the Bank rate. This follows the recent and unexpected 0.25% hike in interest rates by the Bank of England, and the subsequently held belief that more rises could be in the pipeline. House buying just became precarious again, folks! The money markets may be playing down this sudden lack of confidence in the Bank Rate remaining more or less stable, but it's a big step backwards for some people, isn't it?

Wherever we look today, money is becoming tight. Funding is being cut back further and further. And yet only recently we have learned that today we are more heavily taxed than at any other time since records began. So where is all this money? Our money? What is there to show for it? What is not falling apart around us?

The government claim to have poured money into so many things, and with little to show for it. So it's not good news that whilst we are still reeling from all the inadequacies and failures - not to mention the cost! - of the Health Service computerisation, we are now learning about another black hole to come: the Prime Minister's latest baby, the huge Whitehall "super-database" which he claims will make public services more efficient.

The government are to "relax the rules" on the sharing of information (but only for them) and say that this will allow data to be used more "sensibly". Opposition parties and civil liberties groups strongly disagree with them. Shami Chakrabarti (Liberty) says: "This is an accumulation of our government's contempt for our privacy." From Sir Menzies Campbell (Liberal Democrats) we hear: "Blair's Britain now has the most intrusive government in our history. There is no part of people's lives which is free from snooping. State intervention and control expands every day. It is time we put a halt to this." And Oliver Heald (Conservative) says: "Step by step, the Government is logging details of every man, woman and child in 'Big Brother' computers."

Oh, dear! Is this going to be another case of Tony knows best? Of Tony is always right, and everyone else in the world is wrong? Do you think he may have heard the voices? That God may have spoken to him again, and we really are about to complete the trip to 1984 - where only the date is wrong? I sincerely hope not, but it's fast looking that way, isn't it?

The blow to the government of Ruth Turner, Tony Blair's director of government relations, being arrested in the course of the honours for cash investigation will have to wait for another day. There are conflicting reports on this story and at the moment it is unclear whether she has been released with no charges against her or has been bailed. It's only a zephyr at present, but this may yet turn into a hurricane.

Oh, to Hell with it! A non politically correct political joke before I go: Why hasn't Tony Blair stepped down? Why is he still hanging on? Answer: Because it's not over until the fat lady sings!

See you next week - if I'm not in the Tower by then! And I don't mean Blackpool Tower!

"The Bitch!" 20/01/07.