ARCHIVES OF THE BITCH.

Well Darlings,

Spare a thought for us in poor old Blackpool - an entertainment capital packed full of shows, fun and enjoyable things to see and to do, and a laugh a minute place - for even here we have nothing to compare to the amusement presently being found by the nation (and the world) in Charles Clarke, the Home Secretary; Patricia Hewitt, the Health Secretary; and John Prescott, the Deputy Prime Minister.

Without doubt the three of them should be sacked - and then bought up by Leisure Parcs to be put on stage here at the Opera House where their rantings would doubtless ensure sell-out performances every night! They are made of the stuff of which no-one could hope to write about, and the three of them deserve their rightful place in history - along with Mike and Bernie Winters, Morecambe and Wise, and all our best comedians!

Oh, and we mustn't hurt anyone's feelings, must we? We mustn't forget dear old Tony Blair as, trying to emulate the King, he attempts to brush off the events of the past week by saying: "That's just the way it is."

I have to wonder if he tried to curl his lip as he said it? Elvis must be turning in his grave! But Tony need not worry. His place has been earmarked for history as the greatest clown of all time. More so than with even Freddie Starr - you never really know what is coming next! You lucky people! (Tommy Trinder - remember him? As a sprat I knew him - he could really stick his chin out!)

Great Britain, the nation that once built nations, and that has over the centuries given the world so much, and has fought for all free men to keep it, gives you and the rest of the world its latest production: farce! Never mind the drum-rolls - excuse me, whilst I vomit!

How many of you watched Dispatches on Channel Four this week? Probably not many, I guess. It can be a bit heavy at times, but this week it was enlightening, and an edition no-one should have missed. An undercover police officer spilt the beans on how the Leicestershire police force works - or rather doesn't! Officers were shown watching porn, playing cards, cricket in the corridor, and generally lousing* around the police station on night duty when they should have been out on patrol. Some were seen to deliberately ignore desperate pleas for help from the public; others paying a social call on a colleague some twenty-five miles away from where they should have been patrolling the motorway. ( * lousing - my word - it fits the description!)

Nina Hobson, a former policewoman, went undercover with a hidden camera to report for the programme which was shown on Thursday 27th April. Other antics shown included sending the probationer out in a police car to pick up "a Chinese and chips" for the lazing members back at the nick - illegally at a favourable quid a head price rather than the normal eight quid. This venture involved more than an hour being wasted by the patrol car and crew - much of it whilst illegally parked on the double yellow lines outside the chip shop - and games of hide and seek seemed popular as one car was given fifteen minutes to hide somewhere in the town before the others searched for it whilst pretending to be busy. Periodically, were it not to be found, clues would be given. Even more seriously, the programme showed some policemen making sexist comments and not believing rape allegations. Investigations of rape were not carried out in accordance with the correct procedures.

Commissioner John Crawley, of the Independent Police Complaints Commission, stated the issues raised in the programme were "matters that have the potential to undermine public confidence in Leicestershire Constabulary", and went on to say that the footage could equally damage the police service as a whole if it was not addressed robustly and openly. Meanwhile Leicestershire's Chief Constable, Matt Baggott, has apologised for what was caught on camera and has promised to take "firm but proportionate action". He was said to be "disappointed and deeply saddened" by the conduct of some the police officers that were featured in the documentary.

As were we all!

It only takes one bad apple to spoil the barrel. In Leicestershire's barrel there appears to be a lot of bad apples. Perhaps it would be a good time to check all our barrels! I'm sure no good apple (and thankfully there are still plenty of them) would object to a bad one being sought out and discarded.

Staying with the police, but now in Leeds, did you read how a man suspected of a serious assault jumped on to a rag-and-bone horse-and-cart and escaped from four police motorbikes, a patrol car, a video van, two cycling constables and a helicopter that were giving chase? It seems that all the efforts of a modern police force were no match for the slow chase that was like something from out of a Steptoe and Son episode. Funny? Yes. Serious? That too. Think about it!

For funnier we need to go to the Low Valley Arms, Darfield (near Barnsley), in South Yorkshire. There, we're told, the landlord Roger Froggatt, and his wife Kathryn, were awoken in the night by the pub's intruder alarm. On investigation, Mr Froggatt came face to half-face with a woman wearing a long white gown in the ladies lavatory. Apparently the ghostly-looking woman had half of her face missing - a situation that shocked the landlord into running out of the loo and calling the police.

On arrival, one police officer went into the lavatory to find the woman had disappeared - but strangely the toilets started to flush themselves. Mrs Froggatt and a second police officer then went in, and the flushing is said to have continued. Annoyingly the story stops there. But I guess the police could have taken the loos away for evidence, and may even now be looking into the matter! Pity the poor constable who's got to write-up that incident!

And finally, for the truly ridiculous we need to go all the way to Dariyapur Kalan, near Delhi in India. Praveen Kumar Sehrawat, a 16-year-old wrestler, has been entered into the Limca Book of Records - India's version of the Guinness Book of World Records. The lad is famous for being able to snort milk up his nose and then squirt it out, up to a distance of 12 feet, through his tear ducts. He also holds the national record for eating 170 green chillies in 5 minutes 7 seconds - a feat that I'm guessing results in yet another 12 foot squirt! The Indian teenager claims too that he is able to hammer a nail into his nose without any discomfort, whilst his brother Ashok Kumar reveals that the youth is an inspiration for many around the village.

Hmm . . . I can't imagine banging a nail in my nose would do anything for me - but then, I am usually at my best when I'm tactless, aren't I? Maybe it would be good therapy for our trio Clarke, Hewitt, and Prescott. They could do with nailing.

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 28/04/06.

Well Darlings,

Apologies for being a day late with this page - an eventuality entirely the result of a party thrown yesterday by a wonderful local couple, Sandy and Sue, who were celebrating their Civil Partnership ceremony earlier that day. It was a party that it would have been "simply unforgivable" to have missed. All Best Wishes to the lovely couple!

This morning, as my head starts to clear, I realise I must be feeling a little like Tony Blair, and perhaps more than a few in the Labour Party. But whereas for me it is a mere hangover clearing, for them it is the local election results, hurriedly followed by the cabinet reshuffle, a huge embarrassment for Blair, that is smashing many of their mirrors and dispersing a lot of the smoke. The illusion is fading rapidly, and a stark truth is becoming very apparent to all.

With apologies to a great man: Never was so much chaos, deceit and, yes, destruction - destruction of our country, our heritage and our way of life - owed by so many to so few. And it's far from over yet, folks. We may be seeing the light, but it seems there are some in the Labour Party who are still unable to see it.

Labour Party chiefs are considering disciplinary action against the Barking MP, Margaret Hodge, over the comments she made concerning the number of voters likely to choose the BNP. Margaret reported that as many as eight out of 10 voters in her constituency were contemplating voting for the BNP. It was a truth - a plain and simple truth - and one now borne out by the results of the election in which the BNP, putting forward 13 candidates, won 11 seats. It was a truth, and she stated it. But quite obviously to speak the truth in the Labour Party doesn't come without its repercussions.

Until the Labour Party - and especially the government - see the truth, recognise it, and accept it, our troubles will not get any better. We have come to the stage where they are now genuinely believing their own spin. Perhaps it will only be after this government has gone that we will know the full truth, the real truth, and truly discover how bad it has become in our country.

We are at war for all the wrong reasons - some will say we were hoodwinked into it; our troops, our kith and kin, are being killed through lack of proper equipment and safety provisions; at home we have an increased threat of terrorism brought about by our government's policies; an education system that fails our children and demoralises those in the teaching profession; a health service with hospitals closing and staff, including front-line doctors and nurses, being sacked - whilst enjoying "its best year ever", according to Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt; a health service where people may go blind, or in other cases perhaps die, because keeping the waiting lists down to look good now comes at the expense of the subsequent treatment required; hospitals where you are more likely to catch a bug that will kill you than in any other place in the world; a transport system that is claimed to be the worst in Europe; rising violent crime and social disorder on a scale unequalled in Europe; places in some towns and cities that are, according to an acclaimed serving police officer, recognised no go areas; racist problems erupting through over-saturating some areas with asylum seekers and the like - and all this whilst our tough on crime government releases, and loses track of, murderers, rapists, paedophiles and the suchlike into our communities; more bureaucracy, petty rules and regulations, than ever before known; an ever increasing nanny state; a social services system that repeatedly fails in all areas from child protection and benefit payments to provision of adequate services for our elderly; a voting system now open to the corruption seen in some third world countries; the erosion of civil liberties on a rapidly increasing and deeply disturbing scale; and the highest level of taxation we have encountered - much of it hidden and taken from those least able to pay it - and one that is already programmed to rise even further over the coming years.

We have all the above, and a whole lot more equally as bad, after nine years of this government - whilst their spin keeps telling us "we have never had it so good" with such force and commitment the likes of which Harold Macmillan could only ever have dreamed. But we have now come to the point where the gap between the truth and the smoke and mirrors is becoming too great to be sustainable. The illusion is evaporating - and God help us all for the coming years!

Moving on: I see some television news channels reported "breaking news" of a big bang in London's Whitehall on Friday. I guess some feared terrorist action, whilst others no doubt may have attributed it to yet another John Prescott escapade. As it happened, the latter was nearer to the truth. It was a 12-metre-tall pachyderm coming face-to-face with a 5.5-metre-tall "little girl" emerging from an exploding rocket in a street promotion by a French theatre company. Coming at the time of the cabinet reshuffle, and with all those ministers nervously hanging around in that area with their mobile phones at the ready, I'm betting one or two of them filled their pants! It was all to do with the theatre company's production which involves a time machine. Hmm . . . If only!

Now, it seems to me you mustn't write anything these days without mentioning Wayne Rooney. There, I've done it too - call me a traditionalist. Not being a great footy fan all I know about the chap, apart from his inability to distinguish between 5am and Sam on a mobile phone display, is that the nation is overtly fascinated by his foot, and fears it will not be able to perform for them in time for the World Cup. In an age when we pay more for a person to kick a ball about than to run our country, any inability of the Rooney foot to perform to expectations must doubtlessly be seen by the fans as a catastrophe. Personally, I would say any foot that didn't perform to expectations was a catastrophe! But what do I know?

As a non-fan, I'm fascinated as to how a whole nation can be so eager to put its trust in something that, although in the past may have achieved a few remarkable things, now appears to be prone to failure. I mean, no matter what great achievements were accredited to any aircraft, its remarkable speed or comfort etc, should it suddenly become prone to falling out of the sky would we be just as eager to fly in it? It seems to me that football isn't only a national sport - it's also a national madness.

Even as a non footy fan, I'm quite interested in the World Cup since learning that John Cleese has decided to release his own World Cup song: Don't Mention The War. It's said to be in aid of this summer's German-hosted soccer championships. Now, if the sight of God knows how many thousand English supporters all emulating the famous John Cleese goose-stepping march from one of the Fawlty Towers episodes at the football stadium in Germany doesn't break up the European Union, then nothing ever will.

John says, "It's a catchy tune. Hopefully you'll be hearing it on a football terrace near you, very, very soon." Yeah, sure - but don't mention the war! Hmm . . . I wonder why I'm getting this feeling that the results of the football matches may only be the secondary news on some days? The Fawlty Towers episode is priceless - but could the anthem prove too costly?

Finally, I was pleased to see that our very own Well Hung has been voted the most popular British artist of all time in a poll of radio listeners, thereby proving that real talent does survive even though it may only have been discovered in a Pop Idol programme. The top ten were: 1. Will Young; 2. Robbie Williams; 3. Sir Paul McCartney; 4. Spice Girls; 5. Coldplay; 6. Sugababes; 7. Take That; 8. Gorillaz; 9. Oasis; 10. Beverley Knight.

Will is reported as saying, "I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who took part and made the effort to vote. I'm over the moon." Oh, no! Have I missed something? Or was he merely referring to his performance in Mrs Henderson Presents? I've yet to see that - and I'm sure it'll take me a long time to get over his moon!

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 6/05/06.

Well Darlings,

Full marks to Nigel Hanson, the Blackpool town centre manager, for wanting to "create a buzz with quality street entertainment" - something that this column has several times, over the years, suggested was noticeably lacking in Blackpool - and for his said intention to apply for a single permanent licence to cover the whole of the town's shopping area so that the performers won't have to find the cost themselves. Often some of a town's best performers are not well placed to be able to afford a licence, or to suffer the rigmarole of trying to apply for one.

All I hope now is that any prospective performer turning up at the council offices easily obtains the help that he or she seeks. I've just spent two hours laboriously wading through our local council's website trying to learn more, but to no avail - the site is an absolute nightmare that, to me, appears infatuated with cremations (they pop up time and time again) but doesn't understand simple keywords like: busker, busking, street entertainment, street performance, street theatre and countless others I tried. Oh, well! I guess you can't have it all!

Incidentally, and I interrupt myself here, should you be tempted to explore the aforementioned website (you brave person!) and a link to Blackpool Pride surfaces as a result of your endeavours (strangely, it did for me!), don't follow the link - not unless you first hide all sharp instruments! Suffice to say, all the information you need appears on this site or on the official Blackpool Pride site, and any day now literature will be flooding the resort with all the details, so soon you'll be able to ask anyone on the scene - and if you book into a gay owned hotel they will put you right. Really all you need to know is to be here for May 20th and 21st - and just follow the fun!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes . . . Anyone wishing to perform their street theatre will have to pass a "suitability test" - a kind of audition - where it is hoped experts from the Grand Theatre will help in assessing their worthiness. Those who pass this suitability test will be issued with free badges allowing them to appear at a certain places at certain times, thereby ensuring a high standard of entertainment is maintained, and (hopefully) protecting us from any drunken "Danny Boy" renditions. With 48 static sites identified, and "walkabouts" permitted for the likes of marching bands etc., this can only be good for Blackpool. My only (slight) reservation comes where Nigel talks of the possibility of having "certain themes on different days". The public will, quite naturally, always be diverse - I think the entertainment should be likewise so that there is always something for everyone, no matter what day they visit us or encounter it.

According to The Sun newspaper (so it has to be true?) the former Big Brother housemate, Jade Goody, shocked her fans at a recent book signing when she revealed she sometimes forgets how to spell her name. The newspaper informs us that she told the fans: "Sorry, I can't talk or I will spell me name wrong. I need to concentrate. My mind keeps going blank - I keep forgetting how to spell me own name." Apparently, earlier in the week, she had to ask her fans to write their names down on a piece of paper so that she could copy them. Her book, My Autobiography, is expected to become a best-seller. Hmm . . . The title is extremely imaginative, isn't it? I wonder who spelt that for her? Only joking, darling - good luck with it!

Thankfully when my latest humble offering, The Elephant's Nest, emerges in the coming weeks - it's already running a week late, and I believe that's only because of something as unforeseen as my publisher's staff taking holidays at this time of the year - How dare they! - I can promise you there won't be any book signing disasters such as "forgetting how to spell me own name" - I simply don't do signings. Well, not unless he's young, virile and handsome - and already rich enough not to be a gold-digger! I should be so lucky! Nevertheless, as usual, signed copies will be available by post, and locally (Blackpool) personally by arrangement - contact me through the website, and please do be sure to spell your name right, print it, especially should it be something really complicated - like: Jim, or Sue.

As one who always tells it as it is, my biggest regret is that I could never write my autobiography - I could never afford all the doubtless resulting litigations!

Moving on: I see that Richard Thomas, the Information Commissioner, is using his special powers under the Data Protection Act in order to present to Parliament a report about the illegal dealing in confidential personal records. He is said to be deeply concerned over the issue. The report, "What Price Privacy?", shows how private investigators and agents can bribe staff, or impersonate people on the phone, to get hold of private data. The victims are often celebrities or those in the public eye, but can be anyone. Those who break the law and buy this type of illegal information may often include finance companies, newspaper and magazine reporters, debt recovery agents, divorced partners, and even (quite remarkably!) local authorities.

Currently in law the illegal buying and selling of personal information carries no custodial sentence, and the penalties are so minimal that criminals are rarely deterred. It is a big-money market where the severity of the crime bears no resemblance to the penalties that may be imposed. To alleviate this the report proposes the introduction of a prison sentence of up to two years for people who are convicted of this offence by the crown courts, and up to six months for those who are found guilty by magistrates.

And not before time!

However if you are one who does everything you can think of to protect your privacy and to hamper the snoopers in these days of identity fraud, including cross-shredding your mail - consider that mail: the junk that often has your name, address and all too often other accurate details about you like your date of birth, insurance company, and banker. Consider how easy this information is available. Your utility bills can arrive, like mine did today from British Gas, with all your personal details, including the number of your bank account and even the sort code, with no more protection than Postman Pat - you know the guy who has been known to lose sacks of mail in the past, deliver to wrong addresses, and even lose really important things - like football tickets.

Insurance policies, like those for the house, contents, and even for items such as fridges and freezers, can all incur reminders that will often arrive, or not as the case may be, with many of your personal details to hand in them - and they all come in easily recognisable envelopes. You have, of course, noticed that Postman Pat no longer carries the mail in a bag around his neck, haven't you? His unattended postal trolley can now commonly be seen on our streets, as he carries on with his deliveries elsewhere and out sight.

This year the Royal Mail faced a record £11.4 million fine for failing to adequately prevent mail being lost, stolen or damaged, and have admitted that more than 14 million items were lost, stolen or tampered with in 2005. Fully in figures that is: 14,000,000 - and it is a very big number to not be able to account for! I'll bet there was an awful number of personal details in that lot!

I believe bank details, sort codes and the suchlike should never be included in bills or reminders. It should be sufficient for the company to merely ask if there have been any changes - and, anyway, if there had been a change then the last standing order, direct debit, or card payment to them would have shown it by not being honoured - they would already know! It really is time that ALL companies, organisations, and bodies that hold information on us started to be a little more careful. It's time that they did THEIR bit too!

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 12/05/06.

Well Darlings,

I see Antony Cotton, who plays gay factory worker Sean Tully in Coronation Street, wants to be in the soap's first gay wedding and reveals that it is an option for the future. He says his character hasn't found Mr Right yet, but evidently in late summer there is a serious relationship developing. There's just a chance we could see a big gay wedding in the street as early as next year. Brilliant! But I guess the producers will have to save up for it first. Sean Tully's wedding will be sure to blow the budget for a few months when you consider Camp Corrie employs the skills of one of our best gay writers, Jonathan Harvey, the author of Beautiful Thing! We want a big do, Jonathan - and as camp as Christmas!

Perhaps we should all hope that any marriage for Sean lasts a little longer than it has for Liz King and Daphne Ligthart. They are likely to become the first lesbians to divorce - just two months after their civil partnership the couple are splitting up. When I read their story I felt they were making a mockery out of a right that many of us fought so hard to gain, and for so long!

It's not as if these two were star-stuck teenage lovers - one of them is thirty-six and the other forty. You would have thought at that age they would have made absolutely sure of each other before tying the knot, wouldn't you? But apparently Liz has now confessed she doesn't love Daphne anymore - and that she hasn't done so for years! So why did she go ahead with the ceremony? The wedding was all her idea, we're told. To my mind she belittles the whole concept of a civil partnership; its commitment and solemnity. She has treated it with as much respect as buying a frock from M&S on one day and taking it back the next! Excuse me whilst I spit! I just hope Daphne can find some solace in the fact that there has got to be better out there for her!

There's a device been patented by US defence researchers that I'm guessing could be responsible for some other short-lived marriages. Inspired by the human cannonball of circus fame, this invention will put a man on the top of a five-storey building in less than two seconds. For potential use by police officers, fire-fighters or special forces, the person sits in a chair that is attached to a ramp. Compressed air from a cylinder underneath it then shoots the chair up the ramp's guide rails until, at the top, it comes to an instant halt - leaving the person to fly out of the chair, up and over the edge of the roof, to hopefully land safely on top of the building! Can you believe that? It's gotta beat our Pepsi-Max for thrills, hasn't it? Perhaps our Pleasure Beach should get one in!

They tell us that in a circus the best angle for firing the cannon is found by human judgement and line of sight, but with this patent filed by the US Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the precise elevation and speed of ascent is calculated by a computer. That's reassuring, isn't it? I wonder if it's the same type of computer that calculates for some of our on-board satellite navigation systems?

Lately, through those computerised systems, we've seen cars directed into rivers; heavy trucks stuck on abnormally steep, narrow hills; drivers being directed up an almost impassable mountain track to the edge of a cliff with a 100 foot drop; and an ambulance in Sunderland taking two hours, looping up and down country roads, on a routine call that should only have taken minutes.

Anybody sat in one of those compressed air chairs knowing all that cannot possibly be filled with confidence, can they? But I guess something else could be filled rather rapidly! Perhaps more so if they've recently benefited from another modern idea:

Heinz have developed a ready meal for one of beans on toast. It comes in a foil wrapper that you simply pop in the toaster. But not in my toaster, you won't! This has my mind boggling. Toasters vary so much - how do you know when it's cooked? And if you suddenly discover it's not cooked enough when you unwrap it, what do you do with it? To replace it now in the unsecured wrapper might result in the foil touching the electric element. Bang! Forget the beans - you wouldn't need them! And surely nobody would contemplate just putting the unwrapped and dripping contents into their toaster "for a few seconds more", would they? I bet somebody does! I reckon it must be a good time to invest in Delsey!

Finally, is it the end of an era? Underwear manufacturers Jockey have come up with a pair of stay-put pants that stretch like skin, and which they claim will do away with builder's bum. Builders will no longer have any excuse for flashing their bums. Er . . . Are they having the crack? I mean, there's builder's bums, and there's builder's bums. The bottom line is: it all depends on the builder, doesn't it? Let's not go overboard here! Let's not rid ourselves of another one of life's little pleasures! I say these pants should only ever be made in X and XL sizes, and never in CUTE - but that's purely a personal preference!

Don't forget it's BLACKPOOL PRIDE this weekend, May 20th and 21st. Please bring a suitable builder!

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 19/5/06.

Well Darlings,

We're told the World Firework Championships are returning to Blackpool this year, and will begin on the first Sunday after our famous illuminations are switched on. This year that takes place on Friday September 1st. Hosting this spectacular event again can only be good news for us - but possibly very bad news for all those people who thought the event was being held at Lake Orta in northern Italy in August this year and have already booked their holidays.

Still being advertised for this event even today, the publicity tells us: "Lake Orta is an obvious choice for this amazing event, creating a perfect natural mirror for the firework displays. Two piers which jut out into the lake allow fireworks to be launched in total safety, as well as guaranteeing maximum visibility from all points around the town." I do hope anybody heading for there remembers to take a darn good pair of binoculars with them, and is prepared for a bit of a wait. Either that or their own box of Brocks. I guess if it's a very quiet night over the lake someone with acute hearing might just hear us in September. I mean, when it comes to a good bang there's nowhere in the world to compete with Blackpool, is there?

The World Fireworks Championship website tells us that 2006 promises to be the most spectacular "Son et Lumiere" event. Shows will last for 30 minutes and the competition will be concluded with an amazing, specially commissioned, fireworks display. They say that if you love fireworks, or want a holiday destination with spectacular evenings' entertainment, then this will be the event to go to. However, not as forthcoming with the location, they merely say: "The competition will take place at a major, and beautiful, international destination which will be announced shortly. So if you are looking for a stunning holiday put the World Fireworks Championship at the top of your list."

Honeybuns, forget all that tat - that's history - today we are: "a major, and beautiful, international destination." Let's try to keep it that way! So, now then councillors: about our blocked drains . . . Perhaps if there's a rocket or two over at the end of these displays we could stick them up the pipes and clear the system? If not, I can think of somewhere better to put them!

Although the crime figures for Blackpool have improved remarkably, like everywhere else we do still suffer at times - and sometimes strangely. For the second time in 5 days a tea specialists store in the town, on Victoria Street, has been raided forcing the staff to hand over hundreds of pounds in cash. The first raid took place as the store was closing and a lone female shop assistant was threatened. The second took place in mid-morning when, despite the store being busy with customers, physical violence was used which left a member of the staff battered and bloody.

I find this case intriguing. A tea store is not exactly the kind of place you would expect to be targeted, is it? And twice in 5 days? That's weird!

A description of the offender puts him as white, in his early-to-mid 30s, around 5ft 9in tall, of medium build, with fair hair, a round face, slight stubble, rotten teeth, and with green tattoos on the fingers of his right hand. He was said to be wearing a khaki green three-quarter length jacket with a hood and dark trousers. I've reproduced the description here because it is appears to be so complete. If accurate, the bloke is quite distinct and somebody should have suspicions on who he might be from that full description. Hopefully they will do something about it. This is not the "ooh" we want with our Typhoo, thank you very much!

Oh, well - I guess it's time to have a go at "the experts" again. It was only months ago that I reported on an article in the British Medical Journal claiming a little alcohol, and it was referring to red wine at the time, doesn't help the heart as the amount required to do that would be severely detrimental to many other organs in the body. Now, refuting that, another study published in the British Medical Journal says that it finds men who drink alcohol every day have a lower risk of heart disease than men who drink less frequently. According to the latest experts, men who drink every day of the week have a 41% reduced risk of heart disease compared with those who drink on only one day, who have a mere 7% reduced risk. Strangely, they say it makes very little difference how often women drink, with similar levels of reduced risk (around 35% for women) being seen whether they drink on one day or on all seven.

What can you say? If this latest research is correct, it is indeed more good news for Blackpool - half our population should be immortal by now! Experts? Bah! I think some of them sniff the cork too often!

And while I'm feeling on form and having a go, I'll have a go at the Church - and this time specifically the Catholic Church of Scotland. I'm getting more than a little sick and tired of having to read all about their objections to this and to that. These days their head never seems to disappear below the parapet, you only have to mention gay and there they are again spouting off.

Their latest enraged outburst concerns the very sensible idea of introducing sexual diversity education into the curriculum for school children - they object. That's no surprise to anyone, is it? A spokesman for the Catholic Church in Scotland has said: "To quite graphically equip children with information about same-sex relationships is appalling, outrageous and utterly unnecessary.” Really? But it's quite okay to graphically equip children with information about the Catholic religion, I suppose?

I have news for the Catholic Church in Scotland: sexual diversity, and same sex relationships, are facts - they are facts of life and they exist quite commonly - and they affect every one of our children for they live in this real world. It is the way it is, the way it always has been, and today we should be enlightened enough to keep our children fully informed of all that life can involve and entail. They have a right to know.

No child should have to suffer being a victim, or have guilt, or suicidal feelings, or feel an outcast, abhorrently different, simply because his or her sexuality doesn't please the Catholic Church. Diversity is a fact, proven, whereas the God of the Catholic Church cannot be described as a fact. He is still but a hope and a figment of their faith.

As God is something unproven perhaps it is time that we protected our children from the Church's doctrine, and banned them from having any say or influence over our children. It's a far more sensible scenario - the Church does not have the monopoly on how to lead a good and wholesome life! If it has it at all! One could never describe the history of the Catholic Church as being exemplary when it comes to the care of children, could they? Sort out your own problems!

These days to be a true Christian you need to walk away and leave the Church behind you. For that's where the Church is: a long way behind. It is far removed from us, from the real world, and even further removed from the teachings of its Saviour. It's time it woke up to reality!

I'll remind you of two famous quotations:

"More people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason. That, my friends, that is true perversion." - Harvey Milk.

"It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance." - Elizabeth Taylor.

Never were more truer words spoken.

Some funnies before I go? There was the story of the Shropshire boy who was sitting on the loo when a snake reared out of the toilet bowl. The boy, Daniel, is reported saying: "I had the fright of my life when it poked its head up. I jumped off, did my trousers up and called for my dad because I thought it might be poisonous. Now every time I need the loo I always look in first to make sure the snake hasn't come back." Oh, isn't nostalgia a wonderful thing? Ah, yes - I remember it well. It'll be back, son. It'll be back!

Then there's that village near Doncaster, Kirk Sandalls, where litter bins mysteriously disappear. The residents claim at least 30 of the village's large metal bins have gone missing over the past year. Local barman, Adam Mackell, tells us: "One day you have bins around the shops and the next day they mysteriously vanish." I guess they've just bin and gone - but that's life, isn't it?

Here in Blackpool the Woman of Steel, Sylvia Brumbach, who performs at the Tower Circus and rips up telephone directories as part of her act, has put out an appeal for 500 more phone books as she is in danger of running out of them. The performer who can tear a directory in half in around 30 seconds is reported as saying she had just brought 200 over from Germany and had used over half of them already. Perhaps she would have fared better had she avoided the S - Z range - they would have been well Smitten before she started.

And I see two footballers, Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn, have taken legal action against a Munich-based company for "clearly violating personal rights". Beate Uhse have launched erotic toys, dildos, named Michael B and Olli K which they admit are purposefully named to suggest a connection with the football stars. Another dildo, this one named David B, also forms part of the collection that the company says is aimed at peaking women's interest in the World Cup.

The news story tells us that David Beckham has not complained about the David B one. Hmm . . . I'm thinking that if they were to enhance Michael B and Olli K a little then perhaps Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn might not be so eager to complain about theirs. Perhaps the toys don't match up to the men. Footballers are proud people, darlings, proud - or they like to be seen that way! Don't give them an inch when a mile is what they need!

And finally, news just in from WA Shearings Holiday Hotels: the annual Search for a Star is getting underway at The Alabama - Blackpool. Their Talent Show is back, bigger and better than ever. Every Thursday from July till October, they will be hosting their search for brand new talent . . . and you could just be it! If you think you've got what it takes to strut your stuff on stage and deliver the performance of your life and win a slice of their £3000 prize fund, then fill in the form online and they will be in touch with a date for you. Alternatively you can download a PDF form from their website and post it back to them. That's how easy it is!

See you all next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 26/05/06.

Well Darlings,

I see that Dr Filippone, of the University of Manchester's School of Mechanical, Aerospace and Civil Engineering, has carried out research for a paper entitled: "What Is The Fuel Wastage From The Flag On Your Vehicle?" - I guess he had nothing better to do at the time. He reveals that if half a million motorists choose to attach flags to their cars it will cause an extra 2.8m kilos of carbon dioxide to be released into the atmosphere. The flags creating drag on the cars will cause extra fuel to be needed and used.

Now I know we are all worried about carbon dioxide emissions, global warming and the wasting of energy, but this is ridiculous! If things have become so bad, and are so worrying, that we need to calculate the drag caused by flying a flag for a few weeks on the cars of a nation patriotically supporting its football team in the World Cup, then perhaps we should immediately ban all the flights by fans around the world to see these football matches. We do, after all, have television.

The 1.22m litres of extra fuel burned during the World Cup by those people flying the flags turns into total insignificance when you read the findings of the Edinburgh Centre for Carbon Management. They report that just three return air flights from London to New York (33510 km or 20822 miles total) will emit 1000 kg (2205 pounds) of carbon per person into the atmosphere, whereas a whole year's driving in an "average British car" will emit only 1100 kg (2425 pounds).

Putting it all in perspective: In 2002 (the latest figures I could find - source: Airport websites, BAA website, 2002) from the UK's major airports (Heathrow, Gatwick, Stansted, Birmingham, Manchester, and Glasgow) to these other major airports there were 2,252 flights per week: Paris 462, Amsterdam 469, Brussels 315, Barcelona 135, Frankfurt 312, Milan 165, New York 193, Chicago 96, Los Angeles 70, and Tokyo 35. No doubt the figures will be even higher for 2006 - and remember all those planes will be polluting the atmosphere every single week of the year - and every year, not just through the World Cup - consider all that pollution!

Now consider all those airports I've mentioned, and all the others there are that I've not mentioned, and all their flights to various destinations around the globe - and add up all that pollution too. If we really want to get serious about saving the planet, then we should immediately ban all flights worldwide that are less than three-quarters full, and all commit ourselves to ecologically friendly transport systems. The beneficial effect on the planet would be immense.

Then come and talk to me about the cost to the planet of the few trips I make in the few weeks once every four years that I fly my car flag!

Too late to save the planet may be just around the corner, yet governments worldwide still blame the little people. They are the scapegoats if it all goes terribly wrong. Governments do this rather than boldly addressing the problem. And why? Because the more they squeeze the little man, the more the big man doesn't need to worry or have to do his bit. We, and all but the Third World, have the technology and the resources to adopt an almost totally clean and environmentally-friendly land transport system - we just don't have the commitment to do it! Any bets we go for it, once it's too late?

Moving on: I see some good news in Swindon. The charity advice centre, the Millen Advice Point, that specialises in helping those who do not speak English as their first language, and which was forced to close in 2003 after Swindon Council withdrew its funding, has reopened its doors thanks to a grant of almost £56,000 from the Big Lottery Fund.

I'm not sure if we have anything similar in Blackpool, but one was certainly needed last week by a whole multitude of foreign dancers and their bands of regular supporters who turned up at the Winter Gardens only to find that the Box Office had been moved. The ten-foot-high signs of re-direction in the windows made as much sense to some of these people as our traditional way of trying to make foreigners understand us - by shouting at them.

Leisure Parcs, in their wisdom, have moved the Box Office from the entrance to the theatre, where one might expect to find such a facility, to another entrance to the complex - one that is two streets or a long hike through the building away, and which comes with the added benefit of a nearby noisy amusement arcade atmosphere. No doubt there is a very valid reason for the move, but most people are as lost with it as they are with watching "Lost". And some believe they are not the only ones who are lost!

Talking of lost: yet another GPS disaster story. The driver of a lorry from Coventry has blamed his sat nav for the accident last December where his vehicle crashed into Swindon's notorious Whitehouse Bridge - a bridge so low you might duck if you were in a single-decker bus. By analysing their sales, Maplin Electronics claim that Swindon (known locally as Doughnut City because of all its roundabouts including the famous and frightening to visitors Magic Roundabout) is ranked second only to Manchester as the most difficult place to navigate in the country. Aberdeen comes out as the easiest.

You can check out the Magic Roundabout here: http://www.swindonweb.com/life/lifemagi0.htm if you've never met it, and the Whitehouse Bridges are here: http://www.swindonweb.com/life/lifebrid0.htm with the aforementioned accident pictured here: http://www.swindonweb.com/life/batteredbridge05.htm. The town was dissected by the building of Brunel's Great Western Railway, and so today the north - south divide has a whole different meaning to Swindonians!

And finally, I'm guessing there are some at D.C. Comics who are now regretting being so insistent last August that Batman was not gay. At that time they went as far as to threaten a Chelsea art dealer for exhibiting Mark Chamberlain’s watercolours based on a gay Batman theme. But all that was before Brokeback Mountain and one or two other gay themed films were released and received so well by both the public and the film industry, and the awards started to stack up.

Gay is obviously flavour of the year again, and so appearing as attempting not to be outdone they have resurrected Batwoman - as a wealthy, buxom, lipstick lesbian! She, first introduced to the comics in 1956, originally had the hots for Batman, but was killed off in 1979. However, the New York Times reports that the new superhero alter-ego of Kathy Kane will appear in the comics from next month, and is penned as being a lesbian socialite having a romantic history with ex-police detective Renee Montoya.

Somehow I don't think this is going to float the boat for many people, whereas a Batman film with the dynamic duo "coming out" would fill theatres worldwide and, although highly controversial, would take billions of pounds at the box office and fill the coffers of all those involved in its production. Holy Homosexuals! Something believable from Gotham City? Well, yes - but perhaps it's always been there, if you really looked for it.

From the script of Batman and Robin:
Batman has gone to the walk-in freezer. Examines a wall of food.
He lifts a frozen oriental dinner. The secret vault swings open.

ROBIN
How did you . . .?

BATMAN
(off the box)
Open Sesame . . . Chicken.
Holy Revelations! See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 3/06/06.

Well Darlings,

It appears we've all survived the dreaded 6th day of the 6th month of the 6th year of this century unscathed, and that includes (so far, I believe) the 6lb 6oz baby boy born in the 6th hour of that day and named Damien after the devil child in the The Omen - he who was born on 6/6/66. You will have noted there were four sixes for the original Damien. There are even more for the new one: his mother, Suzanne Cooper, was induced 6 days before he arrived, and if you add that to the hour of birth and weight it gives us - wait for it - another 6! Suzanne, a horror film fan, is reported to have said: "We are overjoyed about the baby. The Omen is one of our favourite films and that's why I was keeping my legs crossed for a birth on the 6th."

That must have been one hell of a birth when after six days she did finally uncross her legs! I'm wondering if they called David Seaman in to the maternity ward to catch the little blighter! My mind pictures an explosion, with the baby ricocheting off the walls and David leaping to save it!

But what of the little lad given this cross to bear? With that name, and with being born on that date and time, he will be memorable, won't he? No doubt the subject of many jibes too, especially in his early years. But, like many gay people have, he may cope with the "difference" by trying harder to prove himself. He may turn out to be somebody of note.

I wonder if there are any clues in the anagrams for this "made in Cooper" child? He could be "demonic or ape". People might say: "No dopier came"; or tell us he is a "dope on a crime." He might yet be "a poor endemic", described only as "come on diaper" which forces him to concede: "O Man, do I creep!" But he could just as equally be a "Demonic Opera", one with "one prime coda" about which we proclaim: "O Man! Epic doer!", and to which he might return: "Ciao! Ponder me!" - and with a smile tell us: "I cope and more!"

Here's hoping you do cope, Damien. Good Luck!

But what of the other boy that some see as the anti-Christ? The one who was born in Edinburgh on May 6th 1953 and named: Anthony Charles Lynton Blair. He whose anagrams, strangely for a Labour Prime Minister but some might say accurately, include: "Christ! Tory nob. Heal-all nanny!"; "Shh! Tyrannic rant, all boloney."; "O Hell! Christ! Banal Tory nanny!"; and my favourite: "Born actor. Lethally nanny-ish." What of him? How is he faring?

Not too well, by all accounts - and especially by the National Health Service accounts. There's still nothing coming up roses in Tony's Hell.

The Government has come under pressure from peers to consider more the risks to personal liberty posed by their new laws. An all-party Lords Economic Affairs Committee report is critical that threats to personal freedoms are not adequately considered when the government is making policy. The report examines the Government's general approach to risk management and concludes there are problems with the way it is applied.

Citing as an example passive smoking, and the forthcoming ban on smoking in public places, the committee argue that the risks associated with passive smoking do not justify the ban. They say that greater attention should have been given to the scientific evidence which suggests that passive smoking in public places is a relatively minor problem when compared with passive smoking within the home. They say that: "failure to consider these matters properly has resulted in the introduction of a policy that appears to demonstrate the disproportionate response to the problem."

As if that wasn't enough bad news for Tony, the Information Commissioner, Richard Thomas, has ordered the Government to publish secret reports into the benefits and risks of ID cards. His ruling is that the voters should be allowed to see this information that was compiled by the Department of Work and Pensions - which leaves the government with just 30 days in which to decide whether or not to appeal against his decision. If they do, won't we all be wondering what they have to hide?

And then there's the news that Mark Serwotka, the general secretary of the Public and Commercial Services union - the country's biggest Civil Service union, will be calling on the Government to take responsibility for its policies, rather than rely on "crude scapegoating". He warns: "Our members will no longer tolerate being used as a punch bag by the Government, when it is their policies that are failing."

Then too there's Dr Paul Miller, the chairman of the British Medical Association's (BMA's) Consultants Committee, who says something is going "very badly wrong" with the Government's health policies. He claims: "Care is suffering, jobs are disappearing, patients and staff are paying the price. If a patient gets worse instead of better with treatment, then it's time to figure out whether the diagnosis or the treatment is wrong. Something is going very badly wrong with these health policies. It is time to call a halt, examine what is not working and why."

Dr Miller reckons the failings in the Health Service are caused by "bad policies and shocking incompetence inflicted on the whole service from the top, from Whitehall."

And we must not forget the former Labour cabinet minister Chris Smith, now Lord Smith, who has added to Tony Blair's troubles by publicly calling for him to resign during the next year. Lord Smith now adds his weight to an ever-growing throng of Labour politicians and supporters.

All in all, our Prime Minister is waist deep in the shite today, but - like the snow that falls on our railways - this must be the wrong kind of shite. It's not the kind to produce anything sweet for Tony's garden, for this time he hasn't managed to come out of it smelling of roses. And the mess mentioned here is only a fraction of the total mess he now finds himself in. Add to it the sum of the last few weeks and I believe one would have quite some difficulty trying to recall another Prime Minister presiding over a government of so many disasters. I'm not sure there has been one in living memory quite this bad, has there? Certainly not one with so many chickens coming home to roost on so many fronts, and all at the same time!
Oh, well - Tony did want to go down in history, didn't he? I think he will definitely be remembered - as a man full of good intentions but, on the positive side, for little more than that. On the negative side, the Iraq war, the aftermath, the increased terrorism, and several other disturbingly bad points will always be associated with him. And I guess that's a real shame - not only for him, but for all of us. We, just like him, once had great hopes.

Moving on: I see stress expert Professor Cary Cooper of Lancaster University has said the findings of a survey, one carried out by vitamin firm Vitabiotics Wellman on 2,200 men and which revealed that one in three men are drinking alcohol to try to switch off from work, were "extremely worrying". Another statistic claimed that one in five of the men had suffered from depression or experienced aggressive outbursts as a result of stress. Professor Cooper says people in the UK are working increasingly long hours and that is having a negative effect on their health.

In today's age of rules, regulations, nanny laws, and a "claim for everything" society, I was not surprised to discover that male workers in our legal services were found to be the most stressed people out there. Perhaps they should make a claim off somebody for their stress? But that would mean even more work for them, wouldn't it? Recent successful claims for damages have been made by a schoolteacher for the stress she suffered, and by an Intel employee who became depressed when her workload increased.

Nevertheless, more work or not, I can see it coming: "Have you suffered from stress through no fault of your own? Ring Stress Claim-line now . . . " And THAT on my television set every fifteen minutes will really stress me out!

Finally some good news: Glamour Women of the Year Awards named Kylie Minogue as Woman of the Year. Kylie has thanked all her fans and supporters, saying: "Your support has been an enormous help and I hope to be back with you all in person very soon." The bottom line is she has a new album in progress, a comeback tour penned to start before the end of 2006, and then there are rumours of marriage to the French actor Olivier Martinez who she has described as her rock throughout her illness, and the wonderful guy behind her. With all the paparazzi in that position too, I guess it's a crowded place to be!

Other awards at the ceremony held in Mayfair's Berkeley Square Gardens included: Charlotte Church - UK Solo Artist of the Year; Swindon's Billie Piper - UK TV Actress of the Year; Liz Hurley - Entrepreneur of the Year; and Sharon Osbourne - TV Personality of the Year.

I see entertainer Michael Barrymore is to make his showbiz comeback in the UK by playing the title role in "Scrooge - The Musical" this Christmas. The production will be touring the UK and the producers are in talks to bring it to the West End.

The first dates released for the tour are: Wolverhampton's Grand Theatre (November 14-18), Aberdeen's His Majesty's Theatre (November 20-December 2), and Sunderland's Empire Theatre (December 5 - January 13). Blackpool? We shall have to wait and see, but if they do - I'll be there, centre-front! Full handbag - just in case! Awright!

Lastly, and it's not the best news for Michael Parkinson: Emu is back! The ferocious puppet that once destroyed Parky in an interview, scattering him and his script in an unprovoked attack of the big beak, will return to the small screen in a children's comedy series to be broadcast in 2007. Made by the company behind Big Brother, the feathery fiend cannot fail to be invited back on to Parkinson.

Emu, with his puppeteer Rod Hull, once attracted primetime audiences in excess of 11 million and they became a national institution. Since Rod's tragic death in 1999 - he fell off his roof through trying to fixing the TV aerial himself because the bird couldn't fly up there to do it! - Emu has had to suffer another's arm in his most private of places. When Emu was seen to be in need a new co-star, Rod's son, Toby, decided to put his hand up. He has now appeared alongside the famous feathers in several pantomimes.

On the back of the massive successes of "Emu's World" and "Emu's All Live Pink Windmill Show", the notorious biting beak made Rod Hull a multi-millionaire - but it didn't last for long and he was declared a bankrupt in 1994. Will Toby's manipulations today hit all the right spots for the bird to do it all again? I hope so. We need something ridiculous to temper the ridiculous world that we live in, and what better than Emu? I mean, if ever there really was a son born of Satan . . . Just ask Parky - he knows! And one day soon he may have to face the bird again to ask him how well the son measures up to the father! Somehow I don't think Emu will be the only one receiving a big hand that night! Priceless!

See you next week . . .

"The Bitch!" 9/06/06.