ASTABGAY BLACKPOOL

THE BLACKPOOL GAY DIRECTORY

AM I GAY

COMING OUT

COPING WITH THE SCENE

AM I GAY?

Am I Gay? I guess this is a question a lot of young men will have asked themselves during their confusing adolescent years; it's certainly one that every gay man will at some time have had to tackle, and come to terms with on discovering the true answer. Of course, there are the lucky ones - the majority - those people for whom their sexuality has never been in any doubt. They are the very people who, by their heterosexual appetite and acknowledged prowess with the opposite sex, may have initiated that desperate question in other minds. But to not be one of that majority, to not have the same appetite for the opposite sex, does not immediately make anyone gay.

Times are changing slowly, perhaps too slowly, for most children still grow up in an overwhelmingly heterosexual world - a world that will by its very existence from an early age have instilled expectations and preconceived ideas in every boy's mind - so should the time come that he reaches puberty, and his juvenile years, and he finds that those expectations are not being met as they are by his friends, he becomes concerned. He begins to suspect that he is different to the mates that he grew up with - and it troubles him. But trouble is too weak a word. At this stage of human development to suddenly not be ranked along with one's peers can be inwardly devastating. The questioning and fears in a boy's mind may remain closely guarded secrets - because they have to be.

Faced with this feeling of being different, young men may react in many different ways. Few will cope with the situation easily. Some may become reclusive; some may turn to bullying others; some to drink and drugs; and some may undoubtedly turn towards criminal activities to gain their much needed kudos - however, most will try to maintain an act - an appearance of being perfectly "normal". This act, and the feeling of a need to prove themselves to their family and friends, will often only exasperate the problem. And when thoughts for the same sex enter their minds, thoughts that they may believe to bad or wrong, a great feeling of guilt can engulf them. It can be a very desperate time in a young man's life. It is a time when some may even come to consider suicide - and that, purely the result of the failings, the teachings and the expectations of a mainly ignorant heterosexual world, should never be!

Puberty, and the working of the sexual equipment, arrives at different times for different people. There is nothing wrong or untoward about being a late developer - many races are won by those who had a poor start. And even once everything is found to be in working order, it is quite normal for the feelings and the desires that arrive around this time to be "strange", to say the least! The sudden explosion of hormones the body has to try to make some sense out of can for some bring forth quite peculiar urges, fascinations, and attractions. At this time it is not uncommon for those who will later be "normal" heterosexual men to have "a crush" on someone of the same sex. It may be a schoolmaster; it may be a friend - it could be anyone, there are no rules, and it may not just be the one person - it may be many. There is nothing wrong, and this is not the time to fear one's sexual orientation; more a time to consider its possibilities.

For most who have arrived at this stage, they will have had no preparation for the alternative sexual orientations that life can deal out. Such is the failing of society, for around one in ten males will turn out to be gay, and around one in five males will at some time in their lives have gay sex. Each one of these people will be some proud parent's son. They could be anyone's son. These are facts that may be hard to accept by some people, but to life itself they are the "normal". Sexual orientation is not hereditary, neither can it be instilled by corruption, persuasion, lifestyle or by any other means - and no matter what anyone may tell you, or claim, it most definitely cannot be changed. It is what you are. Were it to be any different, then in a vastly heterosexual society, and with few gay people actually reproducing, by long before now there would have been no gay people left in the world. But it is a known fact that the percentage of homosexual people in the world has varied little throughout all history, and although we may yet not understand the reason for it, nature has seen fit to maintain this status quo.

We now come to the crunch question: how do I know if I am gay? I suppose the simple answer is - you just know. But you do need to wait until all those hormones have settled down a bit before asking the question. Once that has happened the sexual desires and urges will be noticeably better fed and nourished by the thoughts and fantasies of either one or the other of the two sexes. Crudely put: whatever makes you "cum" the easiest and the best will give you the answer. For just a few people this may be equal, or alternate continuously throughout their lives, and they are what we term as being: bisexual.

Gay, straight or bisexual, it matters not - you are you, and you are unique. Whatever sexuality you may be, no two people are ever exactly the same - not even identical twins. Be proud of who and what you are, and if you find that you are gay or bisexual then remember that that is quite normal in the great scheme of things, it is only some areas of society that still have a problem with this - and the problem is theirs, not yours.

One of the biggest mysteries in the world today is why some people have a problem with another person's sexuality when you consider all the great names there have been throughout history that have been known not to be heterosexual. Great emperors, kings, war-lords, painters, writers, poets, musicians, composers, pop singers, fashion gurus, astrologers, philosophers, architects, engineers and many, many others all enjoying pride of place in history have been either gay or bisexual - the list is almost endless, and it even includes a pope or two! Their sexual orientation never hampered these people - it need not hamper you.

Judy Garland is reputed to have said: "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." There could be no better advice. Another quote I love came from the late, great, and still sadly missed Dusty Springfield: "My sexuality has never been a problem to me but I think it has been for other people."

There is nothing at all wrong with being gay, however it does come with some burdens that heterosexuals never have to face. There is the gay scene - known by all to be notoriously promiscuous - and although it is representative of less than a quarter of all gay people it is what a gay person will always be seen as being a part of by many uninformed heterosexual people. Then there is the whole "coming out" saga. Should you come out to family and friends, at work, to all and sundry, or not do it at all? Facing up to this issue can be traumatic for some people - and whatever you finally decide on as being best for you, even staying "in the closet", it will not be without some implications. These issues I will cover in separate articles - look out for them!

This article has been written with UK laws in mind. In other countries the laws regarding homosexuality might vary.

©AstaBGay 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008.

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COMING OUT

Coming Out Soon? There are few set rules to this often harrowing experience, mostly there are merely guidelines based on the experiences of others, but from the knowledge of many of those experiences, including my own, this article has been written with an aim to help those considering "coming out".

Of the few rules there are, one hard and fast one is to always do what you think is best for you - but to do it considerately. Another is that before even contemplating coming out to anyone, especially to your family, you do need to be absolutely sure in yourself that you really are gay. Don't base anything on just a few pleasurable experiences you may have had with someone of the same sex. Straight people do sometimes experiment (as many as one in every five males will have same-sex at some time in their lives - statistics that are a blessing to many a gay man) and they do often enjoy it - so be thoroughly sure before dropping what to some people might be a bombshell! Few will thank you later for a: "Whoops! I got it wrong!"

Once you have completely accepted that you are gay then the whole coming out issue raises its ugly head. You will find yourself questioning: Do I really need to tell anyone? Should I try to keep it a secret? Should I tell my parents? And if so - both of them, or just one of them - at least at first? How about my brothers and sisters; the rest of the family; and my friends - should they all be told? Then there's the people at work - do they need to know?

Each person's situation will be different, and only they will have the best idea of who, if anybody, they should tell. Some people will feel it is best to tell everyone - others to tell no-one. Some won't want to tell either one, or both, of their parents because they "know" it would devastate them, or they would simply never understand, whilst others may conclude it is best to keep it under wraps at work. With friends, especially close ones, you may think you know who you could, and who you could not, confide in. It is you and you alone who will be the best judge of each situation, but you will need to have done some groundwork on which to base your conclusions. An obvious way if you are unsure of someone is to pass a casual non-judgemental comment on something gay that is in the newspaper or on the television (there's usually something around most times) to see how they react.

If you do decide to come out to someone, then this is no time to rush into anything. You will need to pick a good time to tell them - a time when neither of you are busy or are likely to be disturbed. Don't be tempted to undertake the task when you, or they, are the worse for drink. Don't prepare a speech or a lecture full of baffling statistics - just try to be your usual self and converse as you normally would. Do try to get it across that your coming out changes nothing, that you are still exactly the same person you were before telling them, and that the only one thing that has changed is that they now know your true sexuality. Assure them that you still love them / like them / need them the same as you always have done, and tell them that you hope upon hope that they can come to terms with your sexuality and accept you for what you really are, just as you had to.

Do be prepared for questions, some of which you may not know the answers to - in which case be honest; don't attempt to blag it. And do be prepared for the unexpected; for things to go badly wrong. They don't often, but they can. If you are living with parents and you decide to tell them, then no matter how sure you may be that they will take it okay, it is sensible to have somewhere else lined up where you could stay for a while - just in case. This is one reason why my advice for anyone under sixteen is to wait until they are old enough to leave home. That way there are no legal complications if it all goes terribly wrong, life becomes unbearable, and they need to spend a few nights away from home. A major reason for a lot of people coming out is to stop all those embarrassing questions like: "When are you going to find a nice girl and settle down?" As this doesn't usually apply to anyone in their early teens, a time when most lads still go "out with the boys" and anything they might do is likely to be seen as a fad or a mere phase that they are going through, it is probably prudent to wait for a few years. But whatever age you are, if you do come out and it does all go tits up it is imperative that you don't get into a heated argument or a full blown row - be man enough to walk away. A little time will often improve matters, so make sure you stay in touch. Never burn your bridges.

Worrying about how coming out might affect you, the way it may affect others sometimes gets overlooked. Here's a few issues regarding your parents that you may need to understand and address: It is natural for mothers to eagerly look forward to their grandchildren and, especially if you are an only child, they may feel they are going to miss out on a large part of their lives. Occasionally a father may feel that his masculinity has been put in question by producing a gay son and there may be some, albeit even subconscious or hidden, resentment that you have made it public knowledge. Your parents, searching for a reason, may come to believe that you are gay directly as a result of them raising you incorrectly - they may hold themselves responsible and feel guilty.

Unless you're cruel and don't care about your parents, these issues need addressing with a lot of love and support. Keep them involved in your life as much as possible, let them see that you are happy with your lifestyle, and be involved in their lives too, but do respect their wishes when it comes to meeting your gay boyfriends - some will want to meet them; some won't in the early days but will come around to it later; and just a few will wish to carry on as if nothing had been said - with the word "gay" never mentioned again in front of them.

In the event the coming out to your parents goes really badly, despite any animosity you need to remember (for they will) that you are still their son. They may hate your lifestyle, they may not understand it, they may not be able to come to terms with it, but they will always love you as their son even though they may tell you different and not be showing it at that time. Don't give up on trying to build bridges - one day one will probably reach them.

Whilst it is possible to come out to your parents, and sometimes even to the wider family, without others including your friends knowing about you, the reverse may not necessarily be as true. Unless you live away from your family and nobody that knows you works (goes to college / uni) where you do, in time there is a likelihood that rumour or word will get back to someone you would have preferred not to have known. It only takes one friend to unwittingly tell someone, perhaps someone who has revealed an interest in you, that you bat for the other side for the word to spread like wildfire as they do their "Did you know...?" bit to all their friends and family. Remember: once you have come out, even if it is to only one person, you no longer have a secret and you must be prepared for others to find out about you at any time. For this reason I have always considered it best to come out to everybody, but you may feel differently.

There are some people who, when they weigh it all up, decide it is best for their circumstances to keep their sexuality a total secret and to not come out at all. It can work, but it's not without some consequences. For years these people will have to suffer family and friends frequently asking them when they are going to meet the right girl and settle down. In time they may even find that strange liaisons are being arranged as they are invited to dinner parties and paired off at the table with an endless stream of left on the shelf girls. It can all get a bit embarrassing, and when that doesn't work, and there's still no girlfriend in sight, at least one person will at some time come right out with it and ask them point blank if they are gay. What then? Do they lie to them, and thereafter really live a lie? And if they do, how do they feel about lying to their friends and family - those people who love them? Sometimes not coming out can be as hard as actually coming out - only it lasts longer!

I have particularly covered coming out to the parents and family most in this article because I believe them to be the most important - you cannot change your family whereas your friends you can, and probably will, change many times throughout your lifetime. If a friend can't accept your sexuality, then how good a friend are they? You are better off finding another friend. And anyway, if you've come out, or are coming out, you'll probably already have a lot of gay friends, or be seeking them, so the loss of an old friend won't matter that much.

Every year gay people are accepted a little more, and so every year it becomes a little easier for those considering coming out. Nevertheless to most faced with the task the experience can still be very unnerving - a little like a first flight in an aircraft or a first solo performance on stage to a massive audience, but more so. You know it's all been done before; it's done on a daily basis and rarely does anything go wrong. You know by all the odds that afterwards you will feel relieved, and proud of yourself - but even knowing all that doesn't help you much.

Some of the ways I benefited from coming out may help you: There was an instant relief that I didn't have to hide anything anymore - I could be my true self. No more did I have to look over my shoulder and scan the street before going into a gay pub; no more did I have to check out who was in WH Smiths before buying the Gay Times; no more did the pictures on my walls have to reflect the straight world - up went the hunks! And no more did I have to cringe in horror in case someone I knew saw the obvious camp queen cooeying hello across the street at me. Then there was the pleasure of being able to tell a girl who had been after getting the pants off me for months that I was gay, instead of coming up with yet another excuse why we shouldn't be doing it, and an even greater pleasure in putting on an outrageously camp voice (it's not the usual me) to a good friend's over-sexed and persistent wife who once more was playing tootsies under the table. "Dhaaarling! I'm gay and I don't do fish suppers!" I screamed. He looked; she fled - and I was never bothered again.

Getting back to the more serious side, being completely out it was no surprise to anyone when I turned up at all the works parties with my male partner. No more did I have to find excuses and miss out on such things - it also started a bit of a trend as two others began to bring their male partners along too! And with my partner, as an out gay couple, we were able to go to both of our respective family's celebrations, weddings, funerals and Christmas parties as a part of that family. You could say that coming fully out allowed us to enjoy a normal life similar to that of any heterosexual couple - apart from that what we did in bed. All our neighbours accepted us. They loved our gay parties and barbecues to which we always invited them (some would even help out with the cooking and the preparations - we were no fools!) and they in return would invite us and many of our gay friends to their parties.

I cannot imagine living my life in any other way than being totally out and honest. What you see is what you get, and if you don't like it - tough! I know that not everybody will feel that my way could be their way, but if they are considering it and think it might be for them then I am living proof that it can work. There is so much I would not have done, and so much life I would have missed out on, had I remained even partially in the closet.

A few tips: It will be easier to come out if you already have gay friends who will help and support you. If you have a boyfriend who is happy to come out with you (or is already out) it will be even easier. If you are setting up home with a partner, and you are out to your parents, get your mothers to help you move in - they'll do all the outing needed to the neighbours and give you a "legitimacy" - you'll have no problems. Finally, and I believe the most important tip of all: Always try to live your life with compassion, but the way that YOU want to live it. It is your life and yours alone - and you are only given the one. To waste even a moment of it is to miss so much. Be lucky!

This article has been written with UK laws in mind. In other countries the laws regarding homosexuality, the ages of consent and the legitimate ages that one may leave home might vary.

©AstaBGay 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008.

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COPING WITH THE GAY SCENE

Coping with the Gay Scene. For newcomers to the gay scene there can be a "Wow!" factor like no other. The scene has a lot going for it, and they can feel like the cats that got the cream. The intention of this article is to make sure that cream doesn't turn sour.

Along with all the excellence, the gay scene is notorious for illicit drugs, sexual promiscuity, and for ruining relationships. It is a place where it is all too easy to go just that one step further than you intended - a step that you may later regret. To enjoy the gay scene safely, here are just a few things you need to be fully aware of:

Predators:
There's no denying sex is fun and, providing you always insist on safer sex and are not too blown out of your mind to ensure that it happens that way, you can have a great time finding sexual partners on the scene. However, you will need to ensure that they are the ones that YOU want. And, if this is not for you and all you want to do is to enjoy the drink, the music, the dancing and have a chance to meet people socially - you do need to be aware that there are a few people out there that will stop at nothing to satisfy their desires.

There have always been predators, they are nothing new, but what is comparatively new are the cheap chemicals easily bought over the Internet that some of them now employ. No longer do they have to soft-soap you and buy you expensive drinks all night whilst still risking rejection at the end - now it can be just a few drinks, an additive, and an absolute certainty.

Very few victims of "date-rape drugs" will remember anything of the night, and ANYTHING could have happened to them. The next morning the subject easily believes that he just drank too much and probably had a good time. But unfortunately it doesn't end there. Many will suffer after effects of heart palpitations up to three days later - a terrifying experience. In 2004, taking one such victim to hospital, one who was convinced that he was about to die, I was informed that he was the twenty-second case they'd seen following the weekend. In some places spiking drinks is all too common an occurrence. The predator may see it as fun, but the victim is left to worry about what actually happened to him, with whom (others might have been involved), and whether safer sex was practised throughout. And he may well keep on worrying until the results of a subsequent HIV test prove (hopefully) negative.

It can't be said too often: Never take a drink from anyone you don't know, or can really trust, unless you've seen it poured. Never go back to a drink that you've left unattended. It takes but a split second to spike a drink - keep your drink in sight at all times.

Relationships:
The gay scene can be very hard on relationships, especially if you are frequently on it. As easy as it is for a relationship to start on the scene, it's just as easy for it to end there. In the happy-go-lucky atmosphere, and under the influence of alcohol (or something else), with the music, the lights and all those gorgeous people having a good time, often gyrating half-naked on the dance floor, and sometimes catching your's or your partner's eye, it can be all too easy for either one of you to see your prince out there. A mere look, a touch, a smile - even just a sniff of the poppers passing by - and your life may be about to change. It happens, such is life, and you do need to be prepared for it if you continue on the scene once in a serious relationship.

Some couples avoid the scene, perhaps only visiting it on special occasions once they are serious about each other. Others, knowing of the threat or actually appreciating it, decide on having an "open relationship" where both of them are allowed to sleep around providing they always come back to each other. And there are even other couples who are happy to jointly share each other's fantasies in a one-night three-some, or sometimes a more-some. All these kinds of relationships can work, and all of them can fail. If you are in a relationship and on the scene it can help if you get some ground rules that you are BOTH happy about set up with your partner.

Drugs:
A lot of gay people take a lot of drugs, and there's always a lot of drugs on the gay scene. For this reason any new to the market drugs usually appear in gay circles first. Be very careful if drugs are your scene - some like the Crystal Meths recently appearing in the UK (2005) can be very harmful.

If drugs are not your scene but you are tempted, then read up on them first (there's plenty of information on the Internet) and if you do decide to use them it is advisable to set yourself a level you are DETERMINED you will NEVER exceed. If you get into needles then you are already in trouble - seek help.

Some people can manage recreational drugs, hold down a good job and lead an otherwise normal life, but for others they can be the beginning of a downward spiral as they lose job after job. Be aware of your limitations and accept them.

With just a few precautions you'll find there's nothing like the gay scene for giving you a good time. Nothing comes even close. Respect its few rules and it'll respect you. Have fun!

This article has been written with UK laws in mind.

Above articles by Michael Knell. A gay man, out to all for most of his life during which time he has been a supporter of the Campaign for Homosexual Equality, a (committee) member of National Council for Civil Liberties (now Liberty), a founder member (positions of convener, editor, committee member, and a columnist over twelve years, then remaining an avid supporter) of the Swindon Gay Community Organisation, a (committee) member of the National Gay Community Organisation, a member of the Thamesdown Voluntary Services Centre, an active member of the Swindon Project for Aids Counselling and Education, a (committee) member of the Swindon Gay Men's Health Project, and co-owner of Bona Discos which later became the Junction 16 Roadshows and Entertainment that raised much-needed money for worthwhile causes both gay and straight. Providing acknowledgement of the copyright holder AstaBGay is made, these articles may be freely reproduced.

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