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The Profound Bitch!
FROM OUR POPULAR WEEKLY COLUMNIST
100+
Observations by the Bitch!
Over many years, all of the following quotations
have either appeared in "The Bitch" column or in other
articles by the author. Some require deep thought,
others just a chuckle.
Love is said to be blind,
so why do we mostly make love in the dark?
Love and Lust are both four-letter words. There would
be nothing wrong with either - were it not for the
other.
You will never again have friends to equal those you
had in your childhood, neither will you stop wanting
them.
Minds that rule make rich people, hearts that rule
make happy people, but something more is needed to
make rich happy people.
We are all pawns in a game called Politics.
Being drunk is an excuse for not having sex with
someone you love, and for having it with someone you
don't.
Knowingly, nobody ever dies an atheist.
If our children are all our hopes for tomorrow, then
what the hell have some people been hoping for?
Never confuse trust with faith. One is a hope, the
other a belief in a hope.
The iPod is a novel way of inserting something into a
blank space.
Lies never take away the pain of a truth that hurts,
they merely prolong it.
He who laughs last, often laughs alone.
One should always be correct, but it pays to stop
short of being dead right.
Youth is something we all have to suffer. If we are
lucky we may look back on it with some amusement.
What we know today can only be proven by what we will
know tomorrow.
It
is only because it is not taught properly that every
generation discovers sex and claims it as their own.
Today's experts are tomorrow's idiots far too often
for them to be taken seriously.
Life: It is suffered by some and lived by others, but
it is the ability to choose which that is important to
us.
Never presume. Anything based on a presumption has no
foundation whatsoever and therefore should only at
best be considered precarious.
Religion is just another way of dying.
I'm inclined to believe most Christians are just
people making an each-way bet.
If you are pleasing most and upsetting a few, then you
are doing well. If you are pleasing everyone and
upsetting nobody, then you are probably long-dead.
Whenever someone pays you a compliment, there will
always be someone else listening who'll try to dig the
dirt.
Happiness is a child's face. Agony, seeing it from
old-age.
History can be appalling; nostalgia a fond
interpretation.
Lost loves are never buried, at best they can only be
successfully hidden.
One should be prepared for there being a God, for He
will have a wicked sense of humour.
There is no word more important than: "if"; no harder
one to say than: "sorry".
It
is only after considering some of those who you will
have to share Heaven with, that you realise it will be
Hell.
Often it is only when you don't like the answer that
you don't believe it.
If one were an elephant, one would wonder what humans
had to remember.
There's a lot to be said for ignorance, it carries
with it none of the pain of knowledge.
Only an ignoramus can be happy most of the time.
Wisdom coming with old-age is another one of God's
jokes.
Life-skills can only be learned through experience,
they can never simply be taught.
When boys climbed tall trees, swam in rivers and went
rafting on bits of wood, they learned more about
themselves than anyone could ever hope to teach them.
One should always discover what they are, and then
conceal that from all others.
Life should be an adventure, if it is not then maybe
you are already dead.
When bosses becomes unbearable, I've always found it
helps to picture them taking a dump.
Fashion makes a few people richer, and most people
poorer.
Fashion guru: a person with the ability to accumulate
great wealth through brainwashing the masses.
Soap operas reflect life - to all those people who
don't have one.
Big Brother: a way to watch paint dry without having
to suffer the smell.
Alcohol makes people bearable - but not always if they
are drinking it too.
Those entering politics will tell you they want to
serve, when really they have a perversion to rule.
Usually it is the first one of a long career of lies.
One way to realise your true significance is to lie
alone in a field on a clear night and study the
heavens; another is to become a mariner.
A person should always know their place in society,
but that is not to say they should always observe it.
Old queens never die, they simply move to Blackpool.
Life is a journey from birth to death. Those who stay
in the fast lane usually get there first.
Few things man has produced have ever given both so
much misery and so much pleasure as alcohol.
Alcohol ruins relationships, lives, and kills people,
but few would want to see it banned. Consuming it is
one of the few freedoms we still possess.
When Danish bacon, Argentinian beef sausages, French
eggs, American baked beans and Italian tomatoes go to
make up a Full English Breakfast, what hope is there
for Britain?
Wars rarely produce answers, but they always raise
questions.
If you can put off doing something until tomorrow, you
will be able to put off doing it then.
There are few places where one can be as lonely as in
a roomful of people.
When confronted by six of one or half-a-dozen of the
other, it is often the other that proves the most
tempting.
Man's best friend being a dog probably explains why
marriage is going out of fashion.
Always be prepared for the prince you meet at a party
being a frog on your pillow by morning.
I've always considered it unfortunate that adults
don't, like children, have to wear the truth on their
faces.
When someone tells you they have a clear conscience,
it may only mean they have amnesia.
I suspect insanity is enjoyed as often as it is
suffered.
However idiot proof you make something, there will
always be a bigger idiot than for which you have
catered.
Infancy is fun; some will tell you adultery is too.
If psychics were to exist we would not know what
gambling was.
Anything that is worth doing will not have an easy way
to do it.
The future is an adventure, only a fool would waste it
dwelling on the past.
A fur coat is repulsive, but rarely as repulsive as
those who would wear it.
Never rush to be in the latest fashion - it is so
common.
I wouldn't want to be a celebrity - it is so common.
For some, love is an unhappiness they wouldn't be
without.
Overcoming a fear simply involves mastering the art of
keeping the mouth moist and all other orifices dry.
No one who works can ever be said to have made it.
A zoo is one of the few places where animals can study
people.
Flatulence tells the world where you are.
Halitosis tells you who your friends are.
A period will often sort the men out from the boys.
Syphilis tells you your choice of partner was a
popular one.
Central heating, duvets, and microwave meals have
freed us from many of life's chores - especially
marriage.
One needs to remember: a gay man may not know how to
be straight with you.
Life is an indeterminable time served between sex.
I find it hard if someone mentions they have a soft
spot for me.
I've always been too hard up to buy Viagra.
Rent Boys: The more the price goes up, the more they
go down.
Rent Boys: Those who think they're worth it. Punters:
Those who aren't worth it.
Family affairs are all relative.
It takes balls to become a male stripper.
One should always look for some silly con when
confronted by anything too good to be true.
A virgin is like unblemished snow. There is nothing
quite like putting a piss-hole in it.
Few things in life are more taxing than doing your tax
returns.
Sunday trading is okay for all those who haven't got
to get up for work on Monday morning.
I've never got the point with soap on a rope.
The most important thing in a gay club is the
wallpaper.
Gay relationships are based on give and take; straight
ones on give and give.
One should always scream for more - nothing makes a
man feel quite so inadequate.
The ring is the least of the give-aways a married man
will worry about.
When something is offered to you on a plate, it is
quite likely to be the leftovers.
Breakfast should always be an option.
Dancing shows off what you can do in bed - it also
makes you too tired to do it.
Make someone happy - fake an orgasm.
One should never exchange bodily fluids when having
sex. I've always found it wise to keep the gasses
under control too.
Counsellors console, councillors control, and I have
frequently found both of them to be a burden on
society and a total waste of space.
Thankfully, there is nothing to compare to a disco dog
- except another disco dog.
When we could laugh at fat people, we found we hardly
had any. Since those days political correctness has
created a nation of them.
Provide a cradle, and the people will jump into it in
their millions. Remove it, and they will return to
being sensible.
I taught my children not to talk to strangers - or to
anyone associated with the cloth. I am regularly
reminded on both counts of how wise was that decision.
The consequences of abandoning the animal kingdom's
traditional way of teaching its offspring have proven
to be dire.
Fiction writers should run the country. By necessity
they are extremely efficient at working out all the
possibilities of a situation, before they create it.
Blackpool has everything going for it. All it needs is
someone coming to it.
Chickens should be scene . . .
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